Happy Mothers Day...Not

Just an update in regards to my fathers condition. I've been visiting him on alternate days since last week and though he did show signs of improvements since the first day he was admitted, the last two days as of last Friday, it became quite bad. He was still responsive but not as responsive as before and he got frustrated a bit because we kept asking him the same questions like how are you feeling...which part of you is not well...have you eaten..those sorta basic questions that I have been asking whenever I come to visit. But last Thursday I got a call in the morning from the nurse that they found him on the floor. I know his lower body is quite weak now so he must have accidentally fallen off the chair when he tried to support himself to bed. Then on Friday, I visited him and he was put on oxygen.

I do not know if that caused him to be semi conscious like closing his eyes, and then opening, closing and then opening, as if he was trying to fall asleep but could not. He still could respond well but I think he was too tired to answer or talk that his answers were monotonous like..such as saying no..or...I dont want...and he cant help himself to drink the cup of milo and he refused help although I tried to help him. I felt so helpless as my requests to help him were turned down and I could not help but shed tears coz it was really sad. When the doctor came in, and checked his condition, I also told him that he was not as responsive as before. But he asked questions, he answered but giving monotonous answers. The doctor took it as a sign that he is still mentally stable so there is no cause for worry.

Then yesterday, he was not given the oxygen but he was pretty much the same as the night before. And my mum did not help the situation because she said things that I should not be mentioning here. Anyway, I know she will be happy if he goes and just now she was telling me not to tell her that I wont be the slightest bit happy if my father passes away because I would inherit his money.

That is just so blatantly insensitive. This morning she already made so much noise and whenever she nags at me, she likes to associate me with my dad in the line of like father, like daugther. Then whenever she talks, she likes to raise her voice prompting me to almost go into a screaming fest with her because she cannot talk like a proper human being. Everything must be done her way and whenever we go out with her, whatever she says is correct and if we try to correct her, she becomes agitated and the only point way to cut short everything and not escalate it any further in public place some more, is to do what she says. Oh, and then if she realises it's her fault, like taking the wrong bus which she at first would insist she got the number right, she would blame it on others such as saying we also follow what she said. Sigh....

I know it's mother's day and I should not be saying bad things about her like this morning wishing that it was her instead in the hospital instead of my father the minute she started yakking about me sleeping. Like hello...of course I had to sleep...im just a regular person and you cant find fault in that!

Seriously, all the stresses that I have is derived from my family. As I've said before, I know my father's illness will never be cured but I dont want him to become weaker and weaker and I very much want him to also help himself to get better because medicine can only help you so far. You have to mentally challenge yourself to get physically better. And my mum has been putting pressure on me to request that he be put on dialysis treatment even though the doctors said that as of now, he does not need it yet but maybe few months down the road he has to.

She said that it's the only way to get him physically strong although this treatment can be costly. Look, I cannot make such decisions on a whim. She can jolly hear what other people have to say and based on experience, I know my opinions never matter on her. She does not even have the basic trust in me.

Still, I have to think of the family as a whole in terms of money wise like whether I would have money to last a bit longer and not just think of it on a short term basis. She can call me a scrooge...call me names.....tell my aunt what a big fat scrooge I am....whatever....ultimately, it is still my sole responsibility to make sure they still have food on the table even if I have to make sacrifices and bear with her nonsensical talk.

For now, I only want him to get better. If the situation takes a turn for the worse, I am also prepared. Like people say, God loves him more and if he has to go because his time is up and his suffering will end (both his illness and my mum's frustration with having to take care of him later), then I just leave it to God. Im just a helpless human being.