I have been tired recently shuttling back and forth from the hospital to visit my dad and then worrying over some things where I thought initially I had some control over. But now it feels like Im slipping and it's going to be a difficult battle yet again. I thought that I had settled part of the power supply bills only to have it come back and haunt me when I saw the revised amount which had some additions bringing me back to as though I had not paid anything yet. Sigh..I hate to have this sickening feeling over me that they are just going to come and cut off the power supply after repeated reminders. I've come to a point where I realise that what I am doing for the family is simply not good enough.
Speaking of family, my father just got discharged and I heard the news that he doesnt need dialysis yet though they did tell me that one day, he eventually will because his kidneys are already failing and there may come a time that even medicine is of no use. Well, I shall worry about that later but for now, I just hope that he recovers a bit because his extended stay in hospital has somehow made him weaker after being confined to his ward only with just some movement like from his bed to the toilet or from his bed to the chair.
My mother was like complaining that she thought that being hospitalized will make one better because they are under the watchful eye of the nurses and doctors. I would say that the nurses are very hardworking but I cant say much about the doctors though coz sometimes I feel that if they are in it coz the pay is good and they can make a name for themselves one day through some breakthrough in discoveries or surgeries or they're doing it for the benefit of society's well being.
The way they handle my father seems to be like a matter of touch and go. There is lack of care and concern and judging from their faces and attitude, it's as though that they have been dragged there unwillingly and would rather spend time elsewhere than attending to patients. Look, if you are doing this because your parents want you to, maybe it's time to take a raincheck not just for your own benefit but for the benefit of others who are in dire need of good doctors who look after their patients well.
Sigh, enough about my doctors' woes. Right now, Im just trying to slowly ease back into my usual routine prior to my father's hospitalisation. I missed my daily walks especially on week days where I try to clock in at least 30 minutes of walk because I would spend the time visiting my father and then with my mother and brother after we leave the hospital and go for snacks and dinner. At one point of time, I found myself eating the soya ice cream thrice in a week and also old chang kee fried snacks plus some other food like fast food though Im not a fan indulging in such food because I will become so reliant on them that I have problems keeping my apetite in check. I will develop an almost constant desire to eat eat and eat as it brought me back to the times where I eat mostly for comfort.Unfortunately, such fleeting moments of bliss will show on me physically and I hate that coz I have a low self confidence and I dont need to make it worse. But glad to know that I am slowly easing back on track and my hunger pangs have started to decrease. Cant imagine stuffing myself not even half an hour after my last snack..haha..
Now I would like to express my gratitude and thanks to the small network of people around me including my friends, relatives and colleagues for making such trying period more bearable. Some people surprise me but not in a bad way which make me realise that Im thankful for life's little surprises. Like earlier, my colleague drove me to hospital where all the time I thought that he doesnt drive such as his earlier revelation that he came by the smaller walkway leading up to the nursery when I complained just now that I had to make a big u turn coz they blocked the current walkway for some road building. Plus, he also takes the bus home and at times with my other senior colleague.
Oh, speaking of which, now I have to walk a longer way to work and also climb the scary looking newly built bridge ever since they diverted the roads to make way for the new underpasses for cars. I just gotta say that coz I hate the current diversion coz they make people like me walk so freakin' longer! It's like they only think about the vehicles on the road only.
I was getting late and thought of calling the school when I got the call instead which turned out to be my male colleague who was like interrogating me for like 5 minutes (despite the high level noise due to morning traffic) on why I was late..hrmph. Hrm, and I was thinking nobody used to bother when I came in office whether I am five minutes earlier or 5 minutes later than my actual start of my working hours. He was just joking around saying that my boss was looking for me and also the VP but I knew that they were not around except that I did not want to take my chances..hehe.
Therefore, I did not imagine that he drives a car at all so I was puzzled on why the heck he tried to google how to go to hospital as if he's going to drive me there since all the while he takes the bus home after work. So just my good luck that he drives today..haha..despite my repeated protest that I can go on my own (shy la...coz I dont really interact in a friendly manner like my other colleague...who almost cross the line of being childish with her constant ramblings of being bullied by him and her pretend cries which follow her ramblings).
But I would say that the recent change in my relationship with my colleagues (including the childish behaving one) . Despite some hiccups I experience at work from the teachers, vp and parents recently, our small network of support has made things bearable for me and I cant thank them enough.
Despite the heavy rain, a rainbow awaits like my recent experience at seeing two rainbows together for two days straight...hence, the inspiration behind my new blog layout. Of course, rain will always come back but there will be something nice awaiting later after weathering the storm.
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