Post Bdae
Gosh...Im so pooped. Kinda am tired and FULL coz I just had dinner at Seoul garden earlier at 7 plus and still felt the effects since earlier on. But surprisingly, we could walk straight after leaving the restaurant despite havin' eaten...dunno, say maybe a week's supply of grilled meat, haha. But finally! I didn't notice that on such a day like this where birthday presents are expected, it didn't occur to me that 'me got no pressies!' Haha...the whole time I was thinking about the dinner that we were going to have at Seoul garden coz it had been a few years since the last time we ate there. It was always a case of 'couldn't make it' and had to content myself with dinner at BK over at wheelock place with my good friend since secondary school. That BK is rather significant for us because it was where we used to hang out quite a lot since the days we left secondary school. And so many ang mohs (caucasian guys) to gawk at! paradise........................
I wanted to write quite a fairly bit about what I thought about me turning a year older. I know as we grow older, the common perception is that...'gah! im so old!' Er....okay, that's pretty obvious but some how, being rather positive headed, I view getting a year older as not necessarily getting wiser (judging from my brain cells count, nope..no significant increase) but a new start or a new beginning. I always believed in moving forward and even though the past year has been like a roller coaster ride, I couldn't help but think that sometimes, things happen for a reason and then you kinda wise up a bit not wanting to repeat the mistakes that you have made. I know I am just human subjected to different emotional rides that there are few months that I suffered a mental break down. However, funny as it is, the situation has not improved on a great varsity, but I kinda got round it and try to make do of what life has to offer to me whether I like it or not. Basically, based on my writings, I am trying my best to try and make life easier not just for me but for my family. I know our mindsets can never be the same even though we're family but other than that, we are still individuals. As much as I do hope that they can understand from my point of view sometimes, I guess I couldnt expect that much from them either. At times, I feel like I am drained mentally but this is just a test for me. I am determined to ace it and I may or may not score full marks, still the point must be clear to me: that I do not try to escape from the test and hopefully it will just disappear on its own or I wake up and find that this is all just a dream. Okay, I don't want to get too deep into trying to get in touch with reality and having to face up to it with great heaviness on my heart but I can't just stand here and do nothing about it while it gets worse and worse.
That's why I kinda like birthdays. It signifies a new beginning in a sense that I am being given a second chance time and time again to make it right again this time. I don't care if I end up not doing anything about my birthdays such as celebrating in some fancy restaurant or getting a pink solitaire diamond as a birthday gift. Maybe when I was still in my naive stage, it would have sucked big time if no one remembered my birthday or even mentioned about it. The only big time upset will probably be that I may have to postpone my studies again or worse, getting stuck in this farkin' job for a year again. I thought I was getting on the right track in the first few months financial wise for my studies. But my dad's worsening conditions and eventually, hospitalisation and his current follow ups, I felt like I had been hit with a tsunami wave mentally. Studies is one thing..finance is another....just to get by on a day to day basis.
My struggles have not ended yet and I do not know how life will be like for me in not just 5 years time but even in 2 years time. Responsibilities have increased two fold and I do feel that I am not up to it yet as I am still too young. However, one thing remains clear. I do hold on tight to my hopes and dreams such as besides continuing my studies, I sincerely hope that I will be luckier end of this year when I reapply to become a teacher again. I know people have doubts that I lack substance to become one but at the same time, they tell me that I can become a good teacher since I often have other people's interests at heart. I know life can be hard at times but I have this quiet determination to get through the obstacles even if it is going to be one hell of a lonely road since I don't think I am willing to 'share' my life with a significant other. Right now my family is the very core of my survival. Their survival is also in my hands and I do hope the sacrifices that I have to make will prove to be helpful or fruitful in both short and long run.
Oh, whoever says life is like taking a leisurely walk in the park deserves a big smack on the back of the head. They probably don't even get out of the park at all seeing the same ol' green luscious background. Just like a fake backdrop. Not all of us have all the silver cutlery or big fat gardens thrown at us together with a two storey brickhouse. But so what? As if I can garden. My point is that the simple pleasures in life at times, don't have to be equated with dollars and signs even though it will be great to own that 20 dollar something MANGO top. Uhm..and that URS pair of shoes that I am DYING to have even though it is standing at 27 dollars after a hefty discount. SIGHZ....but you know what? Just seeing my family members' face lit up when I sacrifice my lunch money to opt for a light snack and then buying a packet of rice to be shared by my brother and my mother, I know sometimes a sacrifice can make it all worth it. I know my mum is trying to go against her moral standards which she has taken years to build ever since she didn't lead a carefree childhood to try to help me cope with the family responsibilities.
At times, I felt that I was being selfish by trying to make her see from my point of view only but I didn't try to see from hers coz they wouldn't have made sense anyway. I felt that she was too selfish for her own desires as well as for my brother. But it doesn't necessarily always mean that way. Sometimes, I forget about my own moral stand that I know life may not be fair to us at times, but it doesn't mean that we have to impoverish someone else's needs or wants. We have to strike a balance somewhere even though it is tougher as it is now to stand on my own two feet. But at the same time, I don't want to make my family feel that they are living under the strict hands of a discipline mistress who is always trying to reprimand them. I mean, I can't be too relaxed either but the balance has to be there. Whatever I am trying to do now is for the family and not for myself such as my leave period from work which I have sacrificed for them and now I may have to sacrifice also my flexi benefit of 300 dollars per year to recuperate back my dad's payments for follow up treatments. I know that money will do wonders for my computer system as my pc monitor isn't in the best conditions after years of putting up with my hours of pure nonsense.
But for now, I may have to sacrifice it for the sake of coping with my dad's treatments even though it may not cost us that much. Maybe..just maybe..I will still get a replacement monitor since compared to the previous times, my dad doesn't quite need frequent follow ups. I seriously hope whatever I am doing for my family right now will come around and make life better for us. I love my family but I don't want to lose their respect and I don't know exactly if my mum loves me or simply using me since I am, after all, the eldest and the most reliable. My brother is still in primary school and his take on life is still rather simplistic but I am not about to give him a wake up call to tell him that our family can't afford certain luxuries in life such as an overseas trip. So far, he has been good and the only thing that bothers me is only his lunch or dinner la consisting of fast food. But nowadays, my mum has tried to cut down on it as she slowly tries to come to terms with me trying to protect our famiy's savings from unnecessary spending.
Still, I do know that my mum can't just protect my interests but have to attend to my brother's too. I don't blame her if she has this preferential treatment thingey going on between me and my brother. Initially, I might be darn bitter about it but I am an adult. I can't be all whiney and all out to get her attention like how young kids are.
Okay, it is a good thing also that my birthday fell on a Monday as I also view Monday as the start of a brand new day all the time. I am lucky in a way I got the day off on my very own birthday after working my butt off on a hot sunny Sunday morning a week ago. Maybe it is a sign that things may just look up for the better in this coming year as I move on to being a year older as well as being right at the point of a quarter of a century. Erm..meaning Im 25 already now...geddit?
So anyway, I felt that I am starting to slowly see my own capabilities such as exploring my creative side which I am fairly strong in. I am not trying to cash in on my creativity but if there is money coming in, then well...I can't deny their entry into my life..hehe. But, I just want to be able to tell people that I don't live a life where I simply become enslaved to my family's needs. I do have my own individual identity which I am determined to explore a bit deeper and maybe, bring out a bit like my side of creativity. I try to give myself a grace period for exploration and make it known in my parallel universe which is my slice on the internet. Hopefully, it will not be put on hold.
Hrm, then I do want to improve my personal habits also such as this time around, if I start on something, I must jolly well finish the damn thing. Oh, and no more jumping from here to there and there to here and in the end, never finish anyone of them. hee, but I must also work on my late coming 'issues'. Early preparation..rahayu..EARLY PREPARATION!!! Then, being right at the turn of a quarter of a century, I must also look after my well being mentally and physically. I guess my biggest achievement which amaze me as well is how I managed to lose until 23kg despite the slow depressing start last year that gave me a water retention days before my birthday. But that is in the past now. I have moved on and gain a brand new image and brand new confidence (erm..not forgetting an expanding wardrobe as well...khekeke).
Love life is still non existent even though I do have a crush on this guy working on the same clinic as me but his turn has yet to come..at least ever since the updating of their work schedules. Darn it! However I am not 'itching' to rope him as my boyfriend...hrm..rope..itch..okay, naughty rahayu. Right..so he's short and chinese...plus he drives a MAZDA nevermind if it is red hot...but that's besides the point. Im just contented that he is short and rather good looking and smart as well. Car? Hrm..if it brings me places why not..haha..but no rahayu! what the hell are you thinking? Okay..okay...for now, I just am interested to get to know him more and make him my friend. *acting like a spoil brat* I WANT I WANT I WANT!!!...haha..
So yup, I kinda got quite a lot of male attention right now even though I kinda cringe at that thought. I guess for years, I have been living under this sense of desperation for a boyfriend but knowing that finding a guy who likes you for who are you are and going beyond your physical attributes (a.k.a my royal huge butt and very wide waistline and chubby cheeks etc and etc...) is like asking Paris Hilton to shave her blonde hair off. So I kinda gave up. I should have regained a fresh new perspective on guys ever since I have lost that much of weight and inches giving me a slightly nicer silhouette (and to think that the last time, to have a shadow is a miracle in itself) coupled with new fashion style derived from being able to wear nicer fitter clothes. Im a proud M size now ever since downsizing to the size I was back in my early secondary school years! hee...Anyway, the journey is not over yet. However, Im trying to be more 'relaxed' this time and trying to bask in the months of hard work in working my ass out with my new found body and image. It is not perfect yet but hey..looking at my past pics, I'll take on this body any time for now!
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to shake off this 'guys are shallow' point of view although I still like gawking at them. But to gawk at me? Ne-hi..! Girls are blessed with a good peripheral vision so if they appear as if they're not looking at you and looking elsewhere or down, we know if you are catching a glance of us. Yup I know. We are more talented than you. Okay, so I kinda like it if the guy is cute but nope, based on my life schedule, I have yet to find a space for that piece of hope called love. Sorry....
Okay, so that is my post bdae speech..haha..speech....what the hell. So happy bdae girl and may this journey be a more pleasant ride than the year before. peace out.
I wanted to write quite a fairly bit about what I thought about me turning a year older. I know as we grow older, the common perception is that...'gah! im so old!' Er....okay, that's pretty obvious but some how, being rather positive headed, I view getting a year older as not necessarily getting wiser (judging from my brain cells count, nope..no significant increase) but a new start or a new beginning. I always believed in moving forward and even though the past year has been like a roller coaster ride, I couldn't help but think that sometimes, things happen for a reason and then you kinda wise up a bit not wanting to repeat the mistakes that you have made. I know I am just human subjected to different emotional rides that there are few months that I suffered a mental break down. However, funny as it is, the situation has not improved on a great varsity, but I kinda got round it and try to make do of what life has to offer to me whether I like it or not. Basically, based on my writings, I am trying my best to try and make life easier not just for me but for my family. I know our mindsets can never be the same even though we're family but other than that, we are still individuals. As much as I do hope that they can understand from my point of view sometimes, I guess I couldnt expect that much from them either. At times, I feel like I am drained mentally but this is just a test for me. I am determined to ace it and I may or may not score full marks, still the point must be clear to me: that I do not try to escape from the test and hopefully it will just disappear on its own or I wake up and find that this is all just a dream. Okay, I don't want to get too deep into trying to get in touch with reality and having to face up to it with great heaviness on my heart but I can't just stand here and do nothing about it while it gets worse and worse.
That's why I kinda like birthdays. It signifies a new beginning in a sense that I am being given a second chance time and time again to make it right again this time. I don't care if I end up not doing anything about my birthdays such as celebrating in some fancy restaurant or getting a pink solitaire diamond as a birthday gift. Maybe when I was still in my naive stage, it would have sucked big time if no one remembered my birthday or even mentioned about it. The only big time upset will probably be that I may have to postpone my studies again or worse, getting stuck in this farkin' job for a year again. I thought I was getting on the right track in the first few months financial wise for my studies. But my dad's worsening conditions and eventually, hospitalisation and his current follow ups, I felt like I had been hit with a tsunami wave mentally. Studies is one thing..finance is another....just to get by on a day to day basis.
My struggles have not ended yet and I do not know how life will be like for me in not just 5 years time but even in 2 years time. Responsibilities have increased two fold and I do feel that I am not up to it yet as I am still too young. However, one thing remains clear. I do hold on tight to my hopes and dreams such as besides continuing my studies, I sincerely hope that I will be luckier end of this year when I reapply to become a teacher again. I know people have doubts that I lack substance to become one but at the same time, they tell me that I can become a good teacher since I often have other people's interests at heart. I know life can be hard at times but I have this quiet determination to get through the obstacles even if it is going to be one hell of a lonely road since I don't think I am willing to 'share' my life with a significant other. Right now my family is the very core of my survival. Their survival is also in my hands and I do hope the sacrifices that I have to make will prove to be helpful or fruitful in both short and long run.
Oh, whoever says life is like taking a leisurely walk in the park deserves a big smack on the back of the head. They probably don't even get out of the park at all seeing the same ol' green luscious background. Just like a fake backdrop. Not all of us have all the silver cutlery or big fat gardens thrown at us together with a two storey brickhouse. But so what? As if I can garden. My point is that the simple pleasures in life at times, don't have to be equated with dollars and signs even though it will be great to own that 20 dollar something MANGO top. Uhm..and that URS pair of shoes that I am DYING to have even though it is standing at 27 dollars after a hefty discount. SIGHZ....but you know what? Just seeing my family members' face lit up when I sacrifice my lunch money to opt for a light snack and then buying a packet of rice to be shared by my brother and my mother, I know sometimes a sacrifice can make it all worth it. I know my mum is trying to go against her moral standards which she has taken years to build ever since she didn't lead a carefree childhood to try to help me cope with the family responsibilities.
At times, I felt that I was being selfish by trying to make her see from my point of view only but I didn't try to see from hers coz they wouldn't have made sense anyway. I felt that she was too selfish for her own desires as well as for my brother. But it doesn't necessarily always mean that way. Sometimes, I forget about my own moral stand that I know life may not be fair to us at times, but it doesn't mean that we have to impoverish someone else's needs or wants. We have to strike a balance somewhere even though it is tougher as it is now to stand on my own two feet. But at the same time, I don't want to make my family feel that they are living under the strict hands of a discipline mistress who is always trying to reprimand them. I mean, I can't be too relaxed either but the balance has to be there. Whatever I am trying to do now is for the family and not for myself such as my leave period from work which I have sacrificed for them and now I may have to sacrifice also my flexi benefit of 300 dollars per year to recuperate back my dad's payments for follow up treatments. I know that money will do wonders for my computer system as my pc monitor isn't in the best conditions after years of putting up with my hours of pure nonsense.
But for now, I may have to sacrifice it for the sake of coping with my dad's treatments even though it may not cost us that much. Maybe..just maybe..I will still get a replacement monitor since compared to the previous times, my dad doesn't quite need frequent follow ups. I seriously hope whatever I am doing for my family right now will come around and make life better for us. I love my family but I don't want to lose their respect and I don't know exactly if my mum loves me or simply using me since I am, after all, the eldest and the most reliable. My brother is still in primary school and his take on life is still rather simplistic but I am not about to give him a wake up call to tell him that our family can't afford certain luxuries in life such as an overseas trip. So far, he has been good and the only thing that bothers me is only his lunch or dinner la consisting of fast food. But nowadays, my mum has tried to cut down on it as she slowly tries to come to terms with me trying to protect our famiy's savings from unnecessary spending.
Still, I do know that my mum can't just protect my interests but have to attend to my brother's too. I don't blame her if she has this preferential treatment thingey going on between me and my brother. Initially, I might be darn bitter about it but I am an adult. I can't be all whiney and all out to get her attention like how young kids are.
Okay, it is a good thing also that my birthday fell on a Monday as I also view Monday as the start of a brand new day all the time. I am lucky in a way I got the day off on my very own birthday after working my butt off on a hot sunny Sunday morning a week ago. Maybe it is a sign that things may just look up for the better in this coming year as I move on to being a year older as well as being right at the point of a quarter of a century. Erm..meaning Im 25 already now...geddit?
So anyway, I felt that I am starting to slowly see my own capabilities such as exploring my creative side which I am fairly strong in. I am not trying to cash in on my creativity but if there is money coming in, then well...I can't deny their entry into my life..hehe. But, I just want to be able to tell people that I don't live a life where I simply become enslaved to my family's needs. I do have my own individual identity which I am determined to explore a bit deeper and maybe, bring out a bit like my side of creativity. I try to give myself a grace period for exploration and make it known in my parallel universe which is my slice on the internet. Hopefully, it will not be put on hold.
Hrm, then I do want to improve my personal habits also such as this time around, if I start on something, I must jolly well finish the damn thing. Oh, and no more jumping from here to there and there to here and in the end, never finish anyone of them. hee, but I must also work on my late coming 'issues'. Early preparation..rahayu..EARLY PREPARATION!!! Then, being right at the turn of a quarter of a century, I must also look after my well being mentally and physically. I guess my biggest achievement which amaze me as well is how I managed to lose until 23kg despite the slow depressing start last year that gave me a water retention days before my birthday. But that is in the past now. I have moved on and gain a brand new image and brand new confidence (erm..not forgetting an expanding wardrobe as well...khekeke).
Love life is still non existent even though I do have a crush on this guy working on the same clinic as me but his turn has yet to come..at least ever since the updating of their work schedules. Darn it! However I am not 'itching' to rope him as my boyfriend...hrm..rope..itch..okay, naughty rahayu. Right..so he's short and chinese...plus he drives a MAZDA nevermind if it is red hot...but that's besides the point. Im just contented that he is short and rather good looking and smart as well. Car? Hrm..if it brings me places why not..haha..but no rahayu! what the hell are you thinking? Okay..okay...for now, I just am interested to get to know him more and make him my friend. *acting like a spoil brat* I WANT I WANT I WANT!!!...haha..
So yup, I kinda got quite a lot of male attention right now even though I kinda cringe at that thought. I guess for years, I have been living under this sense of desperation for a boyfriend but knowing that finding a guy who likes you for who are you are and going beyond your physical attributes (a.k.a my royal huge butt and very wide waistline and chubby cheeks etc and etc...) is like asking Paris Hilton to shave her blonde hair off. So I kinda gave up. I should have regained a fresh new perspective on guys ever since I have lost that much of weight and inches giving me a slightly nicer silhouette (and to think that the last time, to have a shadow is a miracle in itself) coupled with new fashion style derived from being able to wear nicer fitter clothes. Im a proud M size now ever since downsizing to the size I was back in my early secondary school years! hee...Anyway, the journey is not over yet. However, Im trying to be more 'relaxed' this time and trying to bask in the months of hard work in working my ass out with my new found body and image. It is not perfect yet but hey..looking at my past pics, I'll take on this body any time for now!
Unfortunately, I haven't been able to shake off this 'guys are shallow' point of view although I still like gawking at them. But to gawk at me? Ne-hi..! Girls are blessed with a good peripheral vision so if they appear as if they're not looking at you and looking elsewhere or down, we know if you are catching a glance of us. Yup I know. We are more talented than you. Okay, so I kinda like it if the guy is cute but nope, based on my life schedule, I have yet to find a space for that piece of hope called love. Sorry....
Okay, so that is my post bdae speech..haha..speech....what the hell. So happy bdae girl and may this journey be a more pleasant ride than the year before. peace out.
Comments