Me alone?

I like to just be by myself cruising along the aisles of the supermarkets or exploring among the racks of clothes in a department store while sipping on my favourite mcdonald's chocolate milkshake. Even though I have to run errands for my family everyday, and that it may feel like a burden at times, actually I do enjoy those quiet moments but as I look around, I do notice that it is very rare to find someone like me who is very much alone. I definitely don't categorise 'alone' as being lonely and single although..yah, I am single but im not gonna holler to the rest of the world about this singlehood of mine.


Maybe it wouldn't kill to have a companionship once in awhile like a good friend or even your girlfriend or boyfriend. You'd be sharing gossips, laughter, food and uhm..whatever you can think of coz hey..it's your life. I am not about to start a debate on whether one is happier being single or being in a relationship. Oh, and I am also not going to promote on how cool being single can be as you are not attached without having anyone to call you to check on your whereabouts..(trust me, my mum is doing a 'fine' job with that already)..and that you can practically just check out any guys out there without feeling guilty about it. Damn, I just sounded like I did. Okay, my point is...Im not one of those who would lay her hands on any books that scream 'for singles only!' to sort of console themselves, that hey..being single is not so bad after all. And then when the right man or girl come along, they forget about whatever the books have said as they gloat over their new found love. I don't know how I am going to be like, to be honest with you, if let's say...i *Barf* have a...*barf..* boy...friend.


Haha..why those scary vomitting sounds? I can never ever ever ever imagine myself being so attached to a guy because let's face it, as much as we would like to see ourselves as friends intially, there will always be limitations compared to how you behave towards your gal pals. Then over time, a friendly gesture may mean something else to him or me as signs of interests. See, scary isn't it? Especially for me who is so freakin' ill prepared to be in a relationship. Yah, I know as if other people actually go and do a research about the do's and don'ts in a relationship..haha..but hey, you will never know. But I have read countless of articles in my teens all about relationships and at that time, my radar was so high up that I see every guy who may fit the bill as a potential boyfriend. I even had a target age to have one which is 18 and I would imagine myself going to this place or that place for dates and then making up words of endearment like..'boy'...'darlz'....in case i don't feel like calling him by his name. Ah...what desperado.


But as I grew older with a list of disappointments trailing behind me that didn't involve being in a relationship at all, I realise that being relationships are not all that. I would however agree that you don't expect to be yourself that you used to be back when you were still a swinging single. I know maybe some of you may say that it's not true...you have remained the same..yada yada...but seriously, wouldn't you actually try to dress up a little better or put on your best behaviour when with the significant other? like okay, over time perhaps you may kinda slack a bit and then put on a devil may care attitude because he doesn't seem to be so OTT about how you've changed from a sexy to sloppy. But then when the next gorgeous chick comes along, we feel threatened and then we find ourselves trying to do what we can to protect our 'rights' by straightening ourselves up from being just a slack. Right...these sounds like assumptions as if I have been in a relationship before and went through that kind of behaviour. However, I draw my conclusions from the various real life examples in the magazines where the readers will write in about their relationship woes and how they are driven up the wall thinking about the uhm..unthinkables. The most common relationship destroyer will be the third party. But you know what? It takes two hands to clap right? However, that's what relationships are all about. It takes two people to make it work and of course, he is a jerk if he chooses to be with that hot babe who is constantly whining to get his attention. To a normal human being, that can be super annoying but he finds it super sexy. Hey, he's a jerk right in the first place?


My life is already complicated enough and stifling enough for me to seriously consider his 'value' in the relationship to either let him go or let him stay and do my manicures for the next six months. My heart goes out to the girl or even guy if the other partner decides to stray. But seriously speaking also, not trying to be a psychologist here, do you think there is some reason as to why he chooses to stray. Maybe he's bored that he is not given enough attention by the girlfriend. Or maybe he is just sick and tired of being at your beck and call like for example, making use of his money or make him carry all your shopping bags like you are paying him to be your butler that he just wants out. I think it's just purely human nature that we tend to overlook the causes and jump easily to conclusion while putting the blame on the other party. Like maybe for the guys, perhaps they are too controlling over their girlfriends but it is alright to hang out with his guy pals but not his girlfriend with her own friends. It ain't fair but hey, there are guys who think that they have the right to have a say in the girls' life because after all, eventually if they ever get married, he will be the head in the family. Know what girls? You're better off with another guy.


For me, hrm...maybe relationships can do wonders for me that I may actually strive to be a better person than I really was before. I don't know if this is due to feelings of insecurity or that I finally have a purpose in life than rather than as a single. I don't know for sure how it is going to turn out. But seriously speaking, it will be quite an amusement to compare to the times when I used to imagine how it is like being in a relationship to being in one in real life. Even though, I am not actively looking around to sniff out the potentials or just bumming around in places with a high ratio of guys (who are cute to boot as well..), I wouldn't beat myself up if I still remain 'boyfriend-less' when I end my 24th year in my life.


I dont think I am one who think guys are such useless bums that I am better off without them either. I..just love snooping around and check out those guys who make my richter scale approach a scale of more than 5. I can be so weak when I see guys all dressed up in their workshirts and please..dont get me started with those guys with gorgeous biceps. But I am not in a hurry to go on a date with them as I still think I am not ready to be in a relationship. Maybe because I am scared..I don't know. Or that I simply have no interest at all and that I am taking each day of my life slowly and judging from how I go about running my life, I guess there really is no space for a relationship to blossom.


I don't deny either that I do wish I DON'T have a boyfriend and I would hang my head down low when I am outside or pretend I don't see them if I caught them looking at me. Okay so maybe they are not looking at me but are just randomly looking around in boredom but Im not about to take the chances. I seriously dont wish for anyone to come up to me and say hi and that they want to get to know me..blah de blah...because I have not developed an interest in wanting to have a boyfriend. Okay, I sound like either I am joking or I think that I am not pretty enough or slim enough or even confident enough of myself that Im denying myself of a potential love interest. Look, maybe now is not a good time although I am approaching my mid twenties soon and guys around my age are not just looking for a girlfriend but also a life partner. Please stop saying that I shouldn't look down on myself because I don't. You can say that to me in previous times when I keep thinking Im too fat or too ugly that guys wouldn't look my way. Even though I still think Im fat and im not that pretty, maybe not as extreme as the last time that I completely rule out on love. I keep my options open if let's say 'die die' I have to put myself in a relationship because it wouldn't be fair to the guy who has went to the bottom of the ocean to get that necklace for me ALA titanic..haha..


Honestly, breaking up wouldn't be such a bad option or maybe put a timeline down like say..okay i will date the guy but only in six months after which we'll go our separate ways. Silly, isn't it? Tsk, I just haven't found 'it' in me to be thinking about marriage. I know that hey..doesn't mean that any guy im dating, I will end up marrying him. Dating is just a way to get to know the 'boyfriend' better and then judge for myself if he is worthy as a life partner. See...we're talking about marriage here also! Im not all for married life but what's the point in carrying on with a relationship if I dont want to be married to him because of my fear of marriage commitments. Just like in life, we go through stages and so does a love relationship and you don't remain at the bottom level. It is a rarity to have a couple to be together for a very long time and they don't get married even though they remain as partners for life. To them, marriage is just a certificate but their relationship is more than that. True but how long can they remain that way given the social pressures to finally hold a wedding and be a Mr and Mrs in the end?


Okay, so if Im writing about my crushes in my previous entries especially the unforgettable guy at Singpost, you can tell that Im just human in need of some lurrrvvvinng. If there is such a guy of whom I wouldn't think twice into jumping into a relationship is guys like him not because he has the sexiest lips around..hahahaahaha..but he went past my shortcomings. Even though back then I had not actively lost any weight, was frumpy looking coz I had limited wardrobe pieces, seldom smile and even talked to him compared to my colleague, he took a stab at a chance to get to know me. I didn't know what made him pick me out among the bevy of beauties who are pretty enough and slim enough for a guy like him..especially a guy who was immaculately dressed up with his raven gelled hair and...clean..face..with..no stubbles or pimples..in sight. Okay, im drooling.


As cheesy as it sounds, I think he is a bit like me. Someone who can see beyond a person's appearance and be charmed by some other qualities of the other person that not many people can see or judge for themselves. Just like a geek in the pink where the easiest assumption to make is that he is too geeky to be romantic. So you can't blame it on me either for being fearful when it comes to love because there is a dying breed of guys who are like me.


Actually, I wanted to write about how I cared less about being in a relationship which explains why I don't worry if people around me especially in my age group who have a significant other. But just like in my other entries, sometimes in writing, I made some self discoveries. That maybe...just maybe....I wouldn't mind being involved in a relationship even though it may take a long long time to get used to that fact. I just don't want to get hitched too early and if the guy can be understanding enough to understand that, then hey....maybe having a boyfriend like him isn't such a bad idea. Oh, and also we are at a level where we can accept each other as who we are and what we are on the outside and the inside (characteristics I mean..not..what lingerie I wear or my boob size)..I don't rule him out either. And err..even if he is much taller than me since I like shorter guys better..hee...or his biceps are not as defined as JB Benn of Mondo Magic..haiz...it's sad lah coz I wouldnt get to..okay too much information. I don't even mind if he has coloured his hair red or has blond highlights unlike my unruly solid black hair and he is more stylish than me..of which the last one can be a no-no to most girls.


Oh well, like they say...you can only plan but you can't actually predict what is going to happen later on in your life. Even if the tarot cards of my colleague read that I would have a boyfriend from another race by December 2006, I can't believe in that coz after all, predictions can be wrong. What is going to happen in the future is anyone's guess and who is going to be my first boyfriend? I have no idea but to whoever that guy is going to be, good luck. You're going to need it coz I feel so sorry for you..hahahahaha!!!

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