Eating Disorder?!

hello!

aaaahhh....what a simple greeting can do to people. If it comes from me, it simply means sincerity, long time no see or 'im trying to be nice here so say hello back to me'...depending on how u get to see it. But u have to make the decisions fast coz any delay within mere seconds can cause suspicions to arise.


ANYWAY, there has been quite a lot of things that happened recently in the last four days since I last posted. Knowing me, probably, i'll either do a quick summary or talk rubbish to cover up the fact that I cant remember most of it..heh..


I actually am rather puzzled with myself sometimes in regards to my two paranoias. Nobody would have guessed that I am suffering from them coz i look and behave as normal as I can. Like I have this thing...which I guessed I have mentioned before...that I tend to view food with a discriminating eye. This paranoia happens when I am alone and feeling rather hungry whether during lunch time or dinner time or even anytime in between. When one is hungry, one would usually just choose the array of food available in a food court, hawker centre or even a fast food restaurants. Me? I would view the dishes which I used to eat the last time and having the problem of choosing which one to eat exactly since each one looked oh-s0-good..(especially if I was so dead hungry i'll eat any live cow passing by).


But now? I can only tell myself that it's too fattening or oily deep fried for me. Actually, come to think of it, when I see the typical food served at say..food courts for example, I dont really see much healthy choices. Say..if we want to eat something healthy without the oily gravy or the oil coated kway teow noodles, there's practically very little or non at all. I know the last time when I felt guilty eating so and so food then wanted to eat something light and non too oily, I could see the only option I had was yong tau foo. I'd get it without soup since Im not a big fan of soup...and have it with either rice or noodles. But after eating that for more than a couple of times, I resorted to eating back the usual food before that like mee goreng (fried noodles) or fried rice..that kind of food.


However, after my weight took a toll on me on the inside and the outside (esp after one freaking dream which was the last straw), I decided to have healthier options for food. But boy was it a struggle. But after a long significant while, when you actually started seeing results, you would get the hang of it. Then again, I kinda have made it to some kind of paranoia. I no longer see food in its delectable glory but what harm it is going to do to my body especially in the long run. Sometimes, it would affect me quite badly that I'd just munch on guava if I cant decide what to eat for lunch or have a watermelon juice, bread or biscuits. Drinking milo can help to suppress my hunger too since it is an energy booster as well and come buying dinner back home, occasionally I'd just grab a milo from mcdonald's if there's some spare cash. One of my favourite snacks is the waffle from the bakery where they would make for you on the spot and you can choose what filling you want. For me, if I dont feel I ate a lot, I'd have cheese for filling. If not, I'll go back home eat just biscuits with a packet of milo which I had bought and stored in the fridge.



Can say that the whole one and a half weeks I had to cover for my colleague on long term medical leave, I didn't really eat that much. Coz it was during that period I had to be attached at the clinic where I was working alone in my room with one or two optometrists and the receptionists. They were not exactly my colleagues either although they would address me as one when refering them to me after their patient's eye examination. Since I was just a coverage which meant that I wouldn't come in every week day, I guessed they were trying to keep to themselves either. To me, in a way...I thought I wouldn't mind that way either as I felt the same way towards them too except for like one of them coz she is really friendly. The receptionist..dont say la...she has no choice but to communicate with me but she's rather approachable and you don't feel like u're talking to some stranger. I guess coz she much senior than the younger optometrists and she doesn't have this 'paiseh' or shy approach to people.



Erm..my point is...naturally, if you dont really get along well with the people, the last thing you want is to have lunch with them. So far I only got one invitation for lunch and I didn't go la coz I as planning on going for lunch somewhere. But that was a few months back. She wasn't around for quite a long while since the last time I saw her but she is, by far, the friendliest one of the lot since the first day she spoke to me. Therefore, during lunch times, I was alone and guess what happens when Rahayu is alone during lunch time? Her paranoia comes and she has this fear of food (or gaining weight..which ever way you put it) that she'll stick to just a simple snack and a packet of milo to make her stomach filling. Gawd...it's such a struggle seeing so many people eating during lunch with no qualms over the food such as if the gravy is too oily or if the chicken is deep fried. I'd be like..'how can you eat that?!' Initially, I wasn't this bad and even though I still wouldn't eat one whole bowl or plate of food for lunch, I would have, for example, grilled chicken and rice from Long John Silver, a bowl of instant fried noodles from Maggie or a packet of twister fries from Mcdonald's.



But after awhile, such as the next few days of coverage at the clinic, I just couldn't be bothered with lunch. If I ever went out during lunch time, it was only to get rid of boredom or staying away from the freakin' cold room. Once I told myself that I must eat something and actually went round the food court to see what I can eat. I know I have a few favourites there that the last time if I ever had the chance to eat there when working outfield, I would buy one of them without batting an eyelid. Now? I would think what it would do to my weight and health and that's it...I decide quickly that I will not take the risk. Since I must eat something, I just bought a packet of guava and a watermelon juice. There is this fountain around the escalator but with raised level around it too for people to sit. So, I was sitting nearer to the escalator since it was away from the blinding sunlight on certain spots. And guess what? YOu have no idea how I felt, whenever I saw the faces of the people who worked there and on the way up on the escalator after lunch.




Maybe they were not aware of it but on my part, I was aware that they were looking at me. Both male and female but more for the male species...who had their eyes fixated on me the minute they were approaching the escalator from a distance and up the escalator irregardless of whether they were chatting with their other colleagues before that. The female ones...one or two would give this long gaze at me...with this pair of creepy eyes depending on how old they are..like the older they are, the more discriminating (and hence, creepy) eyes they have.




Hello? (This is NOT a greeting as mentioned earlier but a stern reminder) I am not on a diet okay? So dont look at me like i'm trying to be so health conscious that I only have fruits for lunch. I mean, even if you think I am after seeing my size and then seeing what I eat, it's easy to assume that I am trying to diet. I say I am not coz it's not everyday I eat fruits for lunch and do you see me have the same 'lunch' as this everyday? And I also think it's up to the individual on what he or she chooses to eat. As if I got any other choice as well...you all did took up most spaces in the food court anyway and I have no one but myself to help reserve the place while I go buy my food. Please...and it's rude to stare at people while they were eating..unless u're totally hot and I don't mind being stared at by you.



Haiz..we shall see how it goes coz I haven't had the opportunity to eat with my colleague or colleagues due to my coverage duties for that one and half weeks. Even though the last two days, I was supposed to have lunch with them, due to some last minute work or changes, our lunch time was affected that we jz grabbed whatever snack we could coz there was not much time and we were not feeling too hungry as well.



Like I've said that it is only around my colleagues or even a friend or two that I will hide this paranoia of food that it doesn't arouse any suspicions that I am having a problem. I actually have no idea if I am supposed to label it as a problem coz as far as I am concerned, it is never about me NOT wanting to eat anymore. Rather, the issue here is that I am rather exasperated on the lack of healthier food choices available here in Singapore in comparison to Western culture. Look, I wouldnt mind having supposedly 'rich' carbo food such as pasta which has less starch content than the normal white rice. If there is any pasta here in Singapore, you would have to pay more than ten bucks for it plus service charge plus tax plus the dishwashers'..cooks'...waiters' tax. And in one restaurant, even the small plate of peanuts and wet towel napkins (which we didn't even ask but they gave before we ordered food) were charged. Haiz...as if my pay can cover most of my lunch money.



Oh, if you want healthier food served at fast food restaurants, forget it. Not that they dont have, they have..but be prepared to pay much more for vegetables in the salad compared to the burger with chicken patty or double beef patties. Makes sense? And we're not even talking about organically grown vegetables here!


So is it my fault that I am struggling to find a good choice of food in eating places here? Look, I don't mind sharing food with my friend..say..in Breeks restaurant...coz it would mean that at least the price is worth it if we pay our half share of it. I know....this 'new' me..can never finish a plate of food but I will have no choice when with my colleague and also coz I didn't want to waste my money either paying full price but eating just half of it. That's why..another reason why I wouldn't like buying one whole plate of food if I don't feel overly conscious of health is that I have trained myself to limit food intake so well that I can never finish up without any hep from someone.


Look, it's up to you to judge if I am suffering from an eating disorder or that I am just trying to protect my health by avoiding unhealthy food. However, I try to be as polite as I can by not discriminating the food eaten by others such as my colleagues or friends by pinpointing and remarking on how much fats that char kway teow has, for example. I know some people will and to them, they are thinking that they're just trying to help or they're simply being plain mean or rude lah. Like how would they know that maybe for a long while, they have been eating healthy and only today they are treating themselves with that plate of food, deemed unhealthy for one's diet? I guess respect for others is what I am doing whenever I try to eat as per normal when with people..without these pair of eyes that wrinkle up whenever I look at food from the various stalls if alone. I don't think it is about trying to hide some kind of disorder..which I still insist that it is merely a paranoia..not an eating disorder.



That means to say I am not inching towards anorexia or bullemia k? And I am not influenced by other females far more slimmer or curvier than me. I do compare myself to them then telling myself how I wish I look like that one day. But it is never about me trying to replicate their body shape or what but it's simply coz for once, let me make good out of my life. Please.



You have no idea how unconfident or uneasy I felt whenever im around people I know and seeing how I got bigger and bigger while people are getting nicer clothes as they approach their early twenties as so on while I had to wear auntie's clothes whose sizes are bigger. As I am typing this out, I am also trying to sort out my mixed thoughts on my strange eating habits whenever cum lunch or dinner time. The more I sort out, the more I think that I have mislabelled myself as being paranoid over food. I don't think I am...seriously. Unless i start to puke out food or binge on food then starve myself then start the cycle again, I am not having an eating disorder.



Well...whatever it is, on the other hand, I don't think I am doing any worse in the health department. I feel more energetic to carry out my mum's perpetual errands which including buying from one place to another. Being on the move outside can also mean climbing up the stairs of overhead bridges which can be as many as even 5 times in a day depending on where I am. And one or two are rather high due to the construction going around there but I didn't struggle to go up the many stairs.I was pretty fast which is amazing and little or no breathelessness.



Infact, me and my colleague were rather puzzled at our achievement at the gym when we were doing our individual favourite machines. Usually, when I was on the treadmill, which I dread but it's a 'must do' thing, it has always been a struggle trying to keep at a constant or higher speed for at least twenty minute. For twenty min to approach, deep down..if i have not pushed myself, I probably just ended off finishing ten min before time. Then I would be thinking how on earth my colleague could keep up with the pace for 45 min at the same speed but with higher elevation. For me, I'd be happy to stick with no elevation if I wanted to last at least 30 min. But yesterday, it was amazing that I did 40 min without changing the speed level and elevation level to make me go on walking fast at the same speed. You know if not for the lack of time, I would have done more coz really, I didn't feel like I was so damn tired even at 30 min with an elevation of two! Wow...



My colleague, on the hand, she was doing my fav machine (the body workout thing which combines arm and leg movements together) and like me with the treadmill, it can be a struggle to her even for 5 to ten minutes. But she pushed on and on at a rather fast pace which puzzled me as I was thinking that she would have gotten off by now after ten minutes. Then after the workout, we had the same surprised reactions at ourselves. When it was my turn to do the whole body workout thing (haha..dunno whats e name), since I was already tired from the treadmill thing, it was quite a struggle seeing each minute passed by. However, that was quite okay but again, I was surprised that I kept up at a good high speed non stop unlike the last time where the speed limit was not quite constant to help me cope.



Hell, nowadays I realised that my complexion is getting better also ever since I cut out oily food and walk more than usual or do my usual gym routine each week. Sometimes I think that during my struggline moments especially when I have to make drastic adjustments (or going back to office gym even after my shift has ended during attachment) to my lifestyle, it is not going towards a bad thing. Infact, I am merely improving myself on an area I would never ever thought would happen to me.



And with that, I would like to say that I have achieved a goal as part of my 2006 resolution with much success..surprisingly, in exactly 6 months. That is to lose..10kg..of which I did..YAY!!! Therefore, combined with the previous weight loss, I have infact reduced 20kg!!! A freakin' 20kg!!! Im back at the weight I was at when at the age of 16.



Of course I am not about to gorge myself silly with food after this. I will try my best to maintain and to lose even further. However, I have not noticed that much of physical changes maybe coz I have not been exercising for more than one week before yesterday coz of my clinic attachments. Maybe there are but I haven't been able to notice them yet though other people may be able to see through them which puzzle me coz..I cant darn see them! haha..However, if there's one or two things I noticed is besides my slimmer arms and smaller shoulders, I struggle less with skirts and they dont hike up like the last time. Infact, they look a wider on the bottom where it used to almost cling on to my thighs and hike up a bit. Plus, the bulge on my lower tummy which I hated coz of its obviousness, seem much less obvious this time till it's almost flat. I mean..I dont mean to show off lah..but the lower tummy is usually the part which I would hate whenever I wear a knee length skirt coz it would bulge out.



So I think that as long as we're not destroying ourselves, then think positive of the things that you want to do to help yourself no matter how much you have to struggle initially. I mean..let people say what they want to say or gossip about just like what happened to me. In the end, we know that it is for our own good..never for them...and that my friends, is what helps me stay afloat at times. *smiles*

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