My Chaotic & Zen 2021 (Part One)

How's everything? I stopped writing for some time as I don't feel the need to write because I always do not know what direction I am taking this blog post. However it has always been at the back of mind to write something, at least once a week. Ever since I started journaling regularly, I didn't quite feel the need to update this blog. But moving forward, I will try to make more effort because I also hope to motivate someone out there, even if it's just one person. 

I would say this year has been quite a ride for all of us. I am not excluded as well, and the pandemic has taken a toll on many of us with thousands of cases daily. Despite being convinced repeatedly that this is the new normal, to be honest, we do miss our old lifestyle. But we also discover new things and interests in the midst of chaos, and our perspectives on life changed as well. We have never treasured friendships and relationships more than ever before, and amidst the uncertainties, we continue to rally support towards those who need it more, even though we struggle ourselves too.

As I turned 40 this year, I have many unsettled thoughts going on in my mind. I used to not really care about many things but lately, especially being still unmarried, I began to daydream quite a lot. I care even more about how I look and the fact that I cannot escape time which includes the ageing process. I cannot get passed how much older I have become, my eyes in particular. So much so, I felt my self worth slipping away and I could barely grasp on it. I suddenly care more about how people think and if I am actually missing out in life, just coz I am still single at this age with no children. Being with friends with children, they share many of their achievements that all parents are proud of, from the first word to the first award. It rubbed on me that my life isn't as 'exciting' as them and whatever things I embark on, are not worth mentioning.

As I have been telling myself over the years, don't dwell on it too much if it's already done or it's beyond my control. Simply move on. Time still move on, whether I like it or not. So why fuss too much over it. Why fuss over other people's progresses in life, and comparing myself to them, while bringing myself down, as though I don't appreciate this gift of life because it's not like them.

Instead I told myself that I should care more about how I want to live my life, constantly trying to improve on it and immersing myself in things that make me happy. That includes watching anime and reading comics, which I find immense joy in them even though it may seem like a youth type of activity. I also can find things that I can  learn from them, even if they were just fiction and the characters didn't exist. Behind them, are the viewpoints from others who wrote the storylines, possibly influenced by real life encounters or of their own. It's just like in our own encounters as well, where we can learn from others or take a page or two from. It may be silly to cry over fictional characters, even if that character only existed in that episode for less than twenty minutes. I really felt for them, the loss, the joy, anger etc. 

I also cannot control time and like it or not, I will get older. I will have white hair sprouting to a point I no longer can keep on pulling them out coz there are just too many. I will have wrinkles around my eyes and I also need to get used to being categorised as the middle age group. So just embrace it and upkeep my daily beauty regime or whatsoever to slow down the ageing process, if it's going to boost my confidence just a little. 

I try my best to do activities that take me out of the pitiful rabbit hole of scrolling through instagram. So I dabbled in watercoloring and have made some improvements, even if they were mostly limited to drawing and colouring simple desserts. I actually don't care if my skills are mediocre compared to others. I still make the effort, to call it a piece of artwork that I am proud of and if I don't like it or mess it up,  I simply try again. But it's never because I was trying to reach the level of experts.

I don't want to die with regret. I always feel bad about pursuing my own interests which I always feel are not as 'exciting' as others. But you do you. I do me. So,  I just want to be happy on my own terms.

As part of finding meaning in my life, I decided to pursue a degree in one of the local universities.

I think that this is the biggest decision I have made for 2021 even though initially I was very wishy washy about it, whether I want to study or not.  Even after successfully enrolling and starting my course, I was still doubtful. I struggled with the first assignment and thought that perhaps I was not cut out for university studies. It wasn't like poly studies at all. The course was also quite demanding as there were several modes of assignments to test our knowledge within a span of 6 weeks including weekly lessons and ending off with exams in mid November. 

There was also the financial commitment to it, though if I work out the Math, I should be able to pay for the two semesters yearly, if I can keep some aside from monthly savings and additional income such as bonuses. My course is heavily subsidised because of my age group so it's not too much of a financial burden. But money is still money though I chose to see it as an investment of my future.

To be honest, I have not studied this hard in my life before, lol. Initially, I questioned myself all the time whenever I encountered difficulties with my schoolwork and time management. I could hardly catch a break, with always something to do each week. But over time, I realised that with struggles, I come out stronger. I train my mind to think more openly and to be more perceptive. It's more than just wanting to simply pass the modules. I didn't want to give up halfway.

In my next semester, I may be able to have a better grasp on it and actually, watching the study vlogs of a recently graduated Youtuber, made me have a better outlook on life as a student, in my case, as a part timer. Everybody struggles, even the smart ones. Many made it seem easy but this Youtuber showed her struggles and yet, she still manage to be on top of things, and I actually 'channeled' her when doing the exams telling myself, what will she do. She has really good work ethics, when it comes to studies and pursuing her other interests, such as doing youtube videos and choreographing Kpop dances. Coz judging on how I messed up in one of the class tests, I had to keep myself grounded to stay focus. Well, I hope to at least pass so I can move on to the next semester.

I shall write about  my other achievements and change in viewpoints for 2021. Otherwise this will be such a majorly long post, haha.