Fear of Turning 40

Greetings!

It was Valentine's Day yesterday and the day before, there was this small space with pretty heart themed decos and this was one of them.

I haven't been catching up on blogging lately though I have typed out the blog post which I took some significant amount of doing so. I just feel that it wasn't perfect enough or that I had rambled on things that I might have talked about in the past. Just me basically recapping the things that I aim to do but failed and then rant again on how I would do better the next time.

It's just a vicious cycle you know. But then again, life isn't perfect to start with. If I am always striving to find perfection in my writing to draw in more readers, then that is not my aim. I just have to focus on writing from the heart. But to be honest, there is a world of difference in my writings when comparing the past and the present, lol. Oh the cringe fest.

But the past is what shaped us. The times when I was writing about frustrations, one sided crushes, feelings of loneliness, struggles etc. If I didn't write, I would carry even more weight inside me. Nowadays I journal so there in this conflict in me whether I should write again in this blog what I had already written in the book.

This blog stayed with me since my early 20s, or even late teens, I can't remember. It started before social media was a norm. It was where I could just vent my frustrations and share my happiness. Can't believe I am turning 40 soon and here I am still writing. Although I have been writing significantly lesser.

If I ever write, I get my inspirations everywhere. However, I admit that my inspirations came mostly from instagram as I hardly used Facebook except for scrolling through videos of interests. You just need to follow the right people that can inspire or motivate you. Inspirations on how to live a better life, plan my time better and learning to accept things in the midst of chaos in the mind. 

A recent email I read that, which I subscribed to every week, wrote again about the distractions of watching K Drama. Before she knew it, she would watch several episodes and then felt upset about the time wasted after that. At times, we need to keep ourselves in check by doing more of what nurtures of mind, body and soul, rather than clouding it with too much of unnecessary things. 

At first, I actually looked forward to turning 40 because I would get to enjoy the subsidies if I pursue a part time degree in a certain local institution. But beyond that, when I reflect more on this, I started to panic and being fearful of turning 40. I don't know what to expect being at this age where most people are more or less, already pretty much settled in their life. If I live long enough to reach this age, it would be an age where I feel that I would no longer feel youthful. That day, I was swiping my hair and saw many sprouts of white hair. This isn't new of course but I had dyed several times already to cover up the white hair. But the fact that didn't change was that I had grown older and these sprouts of white hair will continue to haunt me.

I remembered when I was 30, my friends and I celebrated it by going to a bar. I only drank coke but at that point, it felt like I can achieve more in life as 20s was pretty tumultuous. I grew up really fast. To be honest, it was so challenging that I was glad to have escaped the 20s. However, it was at this age too, that I learnt a lot. 

But it was in my 30s, that my life took a different direction. I started to pursue things that might help me find the meaning of life as I started to pursue it even more. It is still a journey for me and again through the help of social media, I learnt that as long as we are on the right path in our personal journey, and knowing that everyone progresses at different timings, we are going to be fine.

I was also more serious in trying to forge my own pathway since at this age, people would normally start to question a lot more about my single status. Just a few days ago, I entertained such a question again. I didn't think it was wrong for me to previously say that I am still open to having a relationship because who am I to question God if it has laid it out as a plan for me. If His plan is for me to remain single, I accept it as well. 

I just...don't actively find one and I hope people can be more open and accepting of other people's personal decisions. 

In my 30s too, I started to find God too through spiritual strengthening. I am relying more and more on Him for strength because there are many times I feel lonely, stuck and helpless and without His remembrance, I don't think I could go beyond this loneliness and may get suck further into depression when I realise that my life isn't like others of my age group.

So instead of focusing on how I am losing my youth for real this time after turning 40, life sorta ended blah blah..I will focus on not being stagnant in life. I will continue to thrive, strengthen the core principles in my life and learn to live the best by managing my time well and fill it with more goodness rather than distractions. 

I also pray to have continued good health, so that I can continue with my fitness journey and be healthy enough to pursue my other goals such as getting a degree. And I also wanna be able to save even more to build a comfortable nest of funds as I upgrade in life. 

I will also continue to maintain a proper skincare routine, and take even more precautions, as the skin is losing its youthfulness and I don't want people to think I am 50 instead of 40 next time, haha.

I am really bad at maintaining this as I just think it's a major hassle and well, perhaps it is a little too late to remain youthtful because I definitely am not. But I also don't want to age quickly because of my poor skincare routines.

At the end of this journey in my 30s, I just don't wish to spend way too much time on things that make me sad or lonely such as making comparisons of my life with others who I viewed as living a better life than me. I should treasure this life that I have right now, regardless of what age I am and thinking about the things that I can do so much more if I can learn to give myself more credit. And that turning 40 is like achieving a milestone that goes beyond the increased white hair and aging skin.