My Mental Fatigue

Hi there

This morning, I was feeling super sleepy. I have been waking up at odd hours after sleeping about 10 to 11 plus at night. Then I would just do things that I had planned to do and then catch up with netflix or youtube for like half an hour. I would have continued sleeping but I just feel that I need to do some 'catching up' also and hence why I woke up in the middle of the night.

Anyway, so in order to keep myself awake in the morning, I have been reading this Japanese web comic, which recently got converted into an upcoming anime movie. I think it's a sweet comic, about a young Novelist who went back to his hometown many years later after a falling out with his father. This time, he didn't come back alone. Surprisingly, his family had also adopted a carefree young orphan boy to nurse their longing for him. His father, through his interactions with the orphan boy, began to mend his relationship with his son and was more accepting of his alternate lifestyle though of course, with limitations.

As he tried to ease back into his hometown, he met again the people from his past even though he tried hard to avoid them like trying to hide in the toilet, lol. But they soon started to live on their own terms of happiness while navigating through life.

At some points of our time, we would go through rough patches as life is not ever smooth sailing. But we still keep our hopes high despite the struggles because we look forward to seeing the fruits of our labour. 

Like the main character who struggled as a Novelist, then his works were published and recognised, which changed the trajectory of their lives. 

Yesterday, I was going through a website in pursuit of higher education in a local institute here. I was excited because I could start this year and paying the subsidies fees, if my application was approved.

But I am also feeling scared. Financially, I have to be prepared as well and though I am paying the subsidised rates, I still need a few hundreds to pay for the course fees per semester. That will come up to paying twice a year. Though I have been careful in saving and managing my finances since last year, I don't think I am doing well enough, judging from my daily expenses which I started to record in excel since Monday. But this will hopefully be a stepping stone for me to improve, not just to finance my studies, but to create awareness on my spending needs.

Another thing that I am scared of is whether I can cope. I did struggle in the past when I pursued a diploma in my mid thirties. What kept me going was supportive classmates, waking up few hours before work to catch up on my studies and then taking days off from work to study in the library. I am not a fast learner. I take time to understand concepts and memories facts. I also need a lot of  practice time in order to grasp what I have learnt. I don't know if it is a learning disability but somehow, I still managed to survive. I was on the verge of giving up when I struggled with the very first course. But I always feel motivated whenever I see the logo of the school whenever I took the bus back home and telling myself that I will graduate from here.

Listening to the lessons of the month, about death, and how our good deeds are the ones to accompany me after death. Our soul will leave our body soon and where will it go after this? The body disintegrates but the soul will move on to a different realm. Then I started to question if I have been acquiring deeds all this time. I realised that I haven't been living my best life and performing enough good deeds. You could say that I have become pretty reclusive in my own little world of entertainment to sometimes escape the realities of life.

At times, I am too focused on money and worldly desires and possessions. Time just slips away from us every single second with no turning back and my worry is what happens in the next episode of the drama or the chapter of the comic that kept me going wanting to read or watch more. My productivity level then went down the drain. 

However, we can always try to make things right again and not to give up in pursuing a better and more fulfilling life, rather than just give in to our whims and fancies. I also feel that it is not wrong to feel unmotivated or dejected when things don't go according to our plans or we just don't have the mood to do certain things. At some point in our lives, we do falter. It's just human nature. But it is also when we take stock of things and find the meaning behind what and why we do these things, and for whom. We get up and try again.

If you're like me, not in your best self, it is ok. Perhaps I got a little too busy with my Valentine's Day orders and that now the day is over, I have been pretty relaxed. I don't even feel like updating my listings to generate sales. But I know it's not good to be lost in my own little dream world of fictionalised romance or fantasies. I have to start giving myself limitations or as mini rewards during resting periods after finishing something.

I hope with the start of this new week, I can do a quick refresh on my life at the moment and pray to continue to receive guidance towards the right path.