I feel so guilty for not writing recently because I actually like to blog and I don't think it's something that I want to stop. Not for money and popularity but basically because I enjoy sharing my experience with other people and also share my life stories which also help me to 'let go' a bit of the feelings and also to probably motivate other people as well.
Last week had been intensive, followed by emotional, as I spent the first two days of the week going to the school library in the morning and the next day in the afternoon all the way to late evening. It was the dreaded exam week and while almost every week, I am facing demanding school commitments with tests and projects that don't seem to end, this was also critical as the exam paper carried 50% weightage (!). There was NO WAY I can afford to fail this paper. The test and project only carried 20% weightage each with 10% going to class participation.
I know this wasn't as overwhelming as the previous semester where I had to take 3 exams and my gosh, I was questioning myself a few times on why I had to do this. Why, why, why do I have to put myself through this pure torture when basically I'm doing a-o-k already with my current job. It doesn't make sense. At all.
But something stirred in me when my brother said that I chose to do this is for my future. I know we both often talk nonsense to each other but for someone barely out of his teens, he can be wise sometimes. So that shook me, made me more determined and even made me want to score As for a subject that I've barely passed the tests or even understand what the heck was going on in class. I felt that the more I read, the more I understand, the more it was possible to score that A and I did.
For many things in life, it's a matter of pursuing what you want and working very hard towards it and going against the mental blocks that tell you that you can't do it or that it's not possible.
I worked just as hard for this subject and again, I didn't do as fantastically well as other people for the test because I was too busy. But I didn't want to fail so I had to force myself to carve out time for it so basically, my motivation was simply not to fail, haha.
But for this semester, I've been so blessed to have been under the guidance of two lecturers who was so determined to make us pass and they did all they can to assist us just as long as we put in the hard work. At the end of the exam when he collected the paper, he asked if his inspiration worked and I thanked him for it because he really gave us a bit tip off on what exactly would come out like which areas to focus on. If I were to get an A for this semester, I really hope that it would be for his subject.
Moving on, the weekend following that dreaded exam night, my mother received the letter from a credit company pertaining to my outstanding bill. I was so so sad that night because whatever I said, made no sense to my mother and she kept questioning and questioning me until I had an emotional breakdown. The amount was not stated and therefore she kept making these big sweeping assumption that I owe so much.
The next morning, she still didn't let me off the topic and she kept on pursuing the matter until I had another emotional breakdown, and this time wanted to involve another friend of mine who used to work in banking. While I learnt my painful lessons already, I still am bearing the consequences of it.
Eventually on Monday morning, I had to go to the bank after making a call to the company which sent me a letter regarding the outstanding amount. It wasn't an incredibly big amount but still significant enough to cause me some heart pain. But I told myself, I will work harder to pay myself back the amount I had taken out to pay for the outstanding bill and at the very least, I would be able to put a closure to owing this company, whom for years, had been chasing me and calling me until recently, for 3 times a day if I didn't answer them. I basically borrowed $500 and with interest and admin fees, it would at least make me owe them $1000 but I felt I had been paying them a lot more than that, imagine over 4 years, for that small amount. But because I didn't pay them regularly as I have financial commitments to other banks as well, I think I might have paid them thousands of dollars.
This was a very sad situation which I feel anybody shouldn't be in unless they're so desperate and it's the only way out. But they NEED to have a proper money management after that and pay them regularly or they will, like me, end up paying even more. If their own salary, after paying the credit companies, won't be enough to sustain them, they have to get other sources of income to supplement their fixed monthly income.
With two down, I have two more to go and I'm planning to clear one of them asap including taking quite a chunk from my December bonus to pay. What to do, I just want to save myself from another emotional breakdown.
But God has been good to me. I have been more careful with my spending and concentrate more on efforts in bringing some side income. I still have to spend on the family but it's not something that I can avoid and I always believe that if you're charitable even towards your own family only, your generosity will be paid back in double. I've also received some orders this week and even though they're not big amounts, but in small ways, I can work towards repaying myself back.
So yah, that's how it goes up to yesterday. Hope your week hasn't been as emotional as mine, well at least if it has, it's not that bad as mine. Take heart that there are down moments and up moments as well. Just think positive and continue to work hard and push through the obstacles.
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