Incoherent

One of the things I have to endure in this household is my mum's incoherent speech about she regrets having us and especially my brother because we're nothing but burden. Like as if we create havoc in this family. She obviously has not seen or heard how other families have bigger problems than her. But that's just her. Basically if she knows also, she will always refer to her 'plight' as being worse off than others and that they are in that state because they have brought it upon themselves. Where else for her, her misery was brought unto her.

Oh well..whatever. I dont want to get into squabbles with her because it's really no point as I will stand to lose. Her recent accusation towards me is that she thinks that I am cold hearted towards them because I didnt buy them their food when I went to a particular shop in Geylang where I would buy the popiah which is one of my favourite snacks coz they are not deep fried and the filling is quite a lot. But more importantly, it's only 80 cents. However, their roti john (half of a french loaf dipped with egg) is 3.oo and it is not enough to buy just one for my brother. So if I buy two, that would have cost me 6.00. This is on top of me buying other food for them at a malay restaurant of which the total will always be more than 10 dollars at an earlier time before I dropped by this small food stall for the popiah.

In other words, I only buy the popiah if I am in that area after buying the malay dishes. It's really hard to keep up with her demands and cravings because they mostly equate to me spending more than usual and I actually had allocated money until December. However, I had already spent the 200 dollars reserved for December in the beginning of November.

Oh, the frustration! Money is not easy to come by. Sometimes I just hope my mother will start her cooking again, no matter how simplistic it can be like previously, she used to cook pasta for us with just boiled spaghetti with campbell mushroom soup and her homemade base ingredient. Either that or she will fry an omelette with onions and I will eat it with soya sauce. But if we even bring up the topic of asking her to cook, she will start her damn boring lecture of how we drive her up the wall because of our demands.

Frankly speaking I dislike eating take away food. First of all, you have no idea how much MSG or artificial flavouring they put in their dishes along with salt and sugar to add to the taste and make the customers come back for more. Sure it may taste nicer but slowly inside your body, it may bring about unwelcome illnesses. At times, I will go without dinner because I didnt want them to buy for me food. Before I come back home, I will eat like a plain waffle or a bun from a bakery so that I wont be too hungry when I reach home. If they had bought for me food, I would not finish the whole thing and instead share it with my mum..or..uhm..force her to eat my share. If she could not eat it coz she had already eaten her share, she will keep the leftover and reheat it the next day for her lunch.

Anyway, at least it is a good thing that I dont spend my lunch time eating takeaway food. I am happy with just my biscuits from wheatbix and cereal drink with bread and low fat cottage cheese. Sure it sounds boring as hell but they're like my comfort guilt free food. Of course I am upset that my mum thinks that I dont take good care of the family because of my controlling nature over the family expenses. Look, if I am so controlling, there won't be groceries and I will protest like no business if they ask me to buy for them things. No matter what, my family has to survive. The reason why I eat those food for lunch is also to avoid spending on myself and use the money to spend on them instead such as buying groceries for them.

Right now, I am just in 'pain' coz I spent more last month but then again, I had a few functions last month too so okay, I didn't spend all on them. And uhm, yah I did go on a mini shopping spree coz I think tis' the season to get rid of the older stock for new stock for the coming Christmas. I got myself two tops which cost less than 10 dollars each, a pair of heels from URS for 20 dollars and a bag for 25 dollars of which both cost less than 50 dollars. To me, that is a great bargain coz the original price for each of these item is more than 30 dollars. And I totally needed them as my older heels are..well...very old already including my bags. But I will have to pay myself back with my coming salary so that in future, I can use back the money for other things.

Anyway it's no point dwelling over exceeding my budget last month. So far so good this month. I am spending within means and not unnecessarily. Okay except this one sleeveless top which costs less than 10 dollars but I got it to replace another sleeveless top that is worn out already. I can't wait for next month's bonus. However, the bonus will have to be saved for use the following year until my next bonus in March, if I ever get the performance bonus. That is provided I don't screw up but so far so good..except maybe at times my boss thinks that I am not paying attention if she catches me having a blur look when in meetings by asking me if I got it. I did get it..it's just that I was trying to digest at first what she was saying coz sometimes she talks a bit too fast.

But it will be silly of me not to use my bonus at all. Already I felt the huge pinch when due to the bad economy, those working in the government sector, didn't get the mid year bonus. I was struggling so much and had to resort to frequent borrowings. I think that motivated me to be even more careful with money so much so it frustrates my mum. I am lucky I have friends who are willing to lend a hand during my difficult times. I am eternally grateful to them though they may think their actions are nothing because they were merely trying to help. I didnt want to borrow at first but my money was running out and I was left with no choice. I had repaid them back even though I had to pay them in instalments or had to delay the payment till my next pay but I made sure I paid them back coz it was after all their hard earned money too and I didn't want to breach their trust as a friend.

Let's hope they pay me this coming December for my bonus. It will go a long way for me as it will allow me to have sufficient savings for the next two months. It's never coz I want to splurge.

Meanwhile for now, I only look forward to my upcoming pay..hehe..