Disappointed

It's a brand new month of November and hopefully, I get a better hold of my life. I have been disappointed with myself lately because I have not been performing my part well towards my family. What could have been avoided, I chose to be all slack about it and only managed to pull together at the last minute but alas, it was not enough. I had not been performing my role well as a sister because I was too caught up with my own personal entertainment that I have failed to see the bigger and more important picture in my life. Perhaps, if I could have focused a bit more on my brother's studies, he didnt have to attain a C grade in his studies that would have granted him a better class and studying 7 subjects. Alas, his grades were not good enough for him to study 7 subjects but 6 subjects. To add on to that, he would not get to study a core subject but Art which I have no idea if that subject is relevant to admission to polytechnic.

I know it is almost up to him to take responsibility for his studies because it is about his own future. I may have tried to push him to study but I didnt help him much in his struggles to cope with his studies and only offered my help at the last minute during revision. In order to do well, one has to be consistent and since he's not leaning towards the smart kind, he has to work harder and be offered moral support. Unfortunately, I slacked.

It's just one area in my life which doesn't really bother me at much until it gets me and I try to do something about it. For example, cleaning up my room. Whenever I attempt to clean my room, it's always halfway done and then it will be back to square one and I'll do it all over again until that same halfmark. If this is a learning curve, you will see my curve going up and then going down, up and down like a small hills. Anyway, at the very least he was still promoted to a sec 3 express class and I told him that since he could only do 6 subjects, he jolly well have to make sure he passes all 6 subjects because not having an additional subject, his aggregate score is at stake. Knowing his interests in engineering, since he has been such a fan of public transport for the longest time, I think it's just natural for him to take up a course that will be of relevant for his future career and eventually working for a company like LTA or Land Transport Authority. It's still not to late to buck up but like I said, he has to work extra hard coz he's now in a slight disadvantage compared to his other schoolmates.

On the other hand, my mum is in a stage where she resents life and wishes to die very soon to end her misery. She has been selfish in a way she thinks she's the only one in the world that has problems and even if others have problems too, it's nothing compared to her. No point convincing her about that coz she's stuck in her own world so as long as we dont provoke her further, she's just talking in her gibberish manner about how she longs to die soon so she doesn't have to entertain our needs.

But that's her. She tends to put small problems under a microscope and make the situation worse that it should have been and partly because of her need to be perfect. She doesn't trust people, well except maybe my aunt, and would rather stick with what she believes in although it can be pretty farfetched at times. I remind my brother many times don't provoke her coz she will become worse and start her nonsense but he's the type if he is irritated, he is irritated and very little can convince him to stop saying what he wanted to say or showing his anger. I guess he just have more of her genes while I have more of my father who was a very patient man but will not be afraid to speak out if he had been provoked again and again.

It's actually pretty easy to solve my mother's problem because it stems from the fact that she has been having bloated sensations in her stomach maybe due to her being cooped up at home and not moving much except maybe to do laundry. She doesn't even cook or clean or even grocery shop so I dont see why she thinks her life is much worse than some mothers who go out to work and come home later to do cleaning and cooking. She refuses to go to the doctor for various reasons although a major part of it is because she still hold this guilt feeling in her that she was the one who made my father go see the poly doctor and then eventually forcing him to be admitted to hospital.

But that's fate. No one can predict what is in store for us later and only God has the big plan for us. Of course we can plan as well seriously, things may not go as planned and if it happens, it happens. At the very least, we have tried to make it work or basically just do something about it but what happens la ter, we don't know.

The important thing is that we don't get into unnecessary trouble and do the best in what we can in life. We will reap the awards later if we work hard enough. If we face problems in life, we try our best to solve them or at least minimise the impact of the problems before they escalate into something bigger.

As we carry on our day to day activities, we learn a lot of things in life through trials and tribulations. Accepting the fact that we have a problem, is one small step to self discovery. The more we deny it, the problem is just going to escalate and we have to do even more damage control.

Im not saying all these because I read some guide to life book. Basically, Im just talking from experience as well as learning from others what I can apply to my own life. I know Im not perfect but unfortunately, I tend to lean towards my imperfections that eventually affect others towards me and not just myself. I may think that I will learn from it but before I know it, I find myself crawling back to my comfort zone where the world revolves around me only.

So let's hope, in this brand new month, I will slowly stop to just be in my own zone. Let's all be less selfish and do good towards others. Let's not be those bikini clad girls who waste their time by making a spectacle of themselves in online videos who think they are just practising their liberalism but are infact, demeaning to the female population. There are women out there who slog in lives trying to build a career and a name for themselves in a male dominated working world and in the past, women fought hard against gender inequality and because of them, we get our right to vote and our freedom to determine who shall be our leaders. How do we stamp out gender inequality when these women portray themselves as possessing little intellect and little clothes for the world to see?

I have not seen those videos and I have no plans to do so. They are thriving because despite the criticisms, people still flock to see them and making these girls more popular than they first started. Eventually when people stop watching them, these videos will stop. Their argument is that there are worse videos than them. But why still add to them?

Oh well, that's people. Some of them abuse the concept of liberalism as long as people stand up to take notice of them even if they have to act stupid and wear very little. Yup, we are moving forward as a nation.