The Struggles with Self Love

Photo by Tim Mossholder from Pexels

One of the things I often grapple with is self love and because I am not of an average Asian female built. It could be genetics like I can never be really thin but it's ok. This is the only body I have so you know, gotta live it with, lol. I have never been those who used to be slim and then over the years, they put on weight because life happens. Then they try to rein themselves in (I suppose that's the evil of Facebook memories..) by going on these crash diet and strict exercise regime to look like those years again.

I don't really have such a memory because I've always been on the heavier side. At one time, I did lose a lot of weight but I looked sickly as I also lost my appetite along the way and I didn't have a good relationship with food. Now I can eat better though I am still mindful but it is not because I want to be slimmer but rather thinking about my health in the long run. Like I am not even 40 and yet, I lose my breath easily because I lack strength and energy. And I need to be healthy so that I can continue to enjoy my fitness classes and gym sessions because they require stamina and I don't want to do halfway and call it quits.

Everyone has their definition of beauty but sadly, most of us are influenced by what we see online and offline. It doesn't help that shopping for clothes in generic clothing stores still prove difficult for me. But maybe good for me because I save a little more money by fully utilising what I have.

To be honest, as compared to last time, how I see myself now is very different like now I don't really care that much. Maybe I am just a bit vain, but it's for me and not for anyone else like who would actually bother with layering eyeshadows or putting on blush before going to work. It's not like I'm meeting clients at work so I need to look good. At least, not for my other colleagues, haha.

I probably have written about this a few times but I was listening in to this mini class where the young lady was sharing about how her experiences. She used to be very depressed in her teens and how she turned that situation around to be this confident and full of self love for herself. Admittedly, when I first saw her in the video, I didn't realise she uhm..wasn't slim as I expected her to be. But I didn't look down on her or something. I just thought we have something in common, lol.

Anyway, she was sharing that people won't realise that she has her own internal struggles because to others, her life seemed so perfect. Okay, I would have thought so too because this young lady was of royal blood AKA her father is a Sultan or King of one of the states in Malaysia. So technically, she is a Princess.

I guess with the society's expectations on how a Princess should look like, when she was on heavier side, she was being bullied. She let her weight define her happiness and at that point of her time, it didn't make her too happy. She couldn't do anything else because of her weight struggles like she felt if she didn't reach her idealistic weight, she would never accomplish anything in life. She was still young but she already felt like a failure.

But again, life happens and she lost a lot of weight and went to a journalism school so life seemed pretty okay as she went on from being depressed to gaining self confidence. Just as she thought she got her life together, some thoughtless remark from a fellow Sister set the alarm again and made her upset all over again. She was asked in front of so many people what her weight was. And she later got so upset that she cried coz even though she had lost a lot of weight, she still didn't feel at ease and could not make a comeback because she had not fully embraced herself.

So from then on, she felt that she should be in charge of her own happiness and not based on other people's opinions about her and that also means able to love herself even more. It's not easy but people would always have something to say or something to pick on. 

My self confidence isn't fantastic also and I also felt a little insecure if I wear tights or quarter pants for my fitness classes because I have thick thighs and a big butt. But when I looked around, everyone is of different age group and different sizes but we are all here to reach the same objective. To be healthy and most importantly, to work out and to have fun. They are not here to judge. Sure even if they notice, they won't like let their eyes linger and be all judge-y at me. So in other words, who cares.

I also tell myself that my self worth is not based on the size of my thighs and my thick waistline and that seems to help especially when I don't feel so good in my outfit aka feeling fat. It comes from within me and how I portray myself outside too with good moral characteristics. People are not always nice with the things they say like they can say I'm pretty but body wise, a bit on the heavy side but you know, who cares. As long as you take care of yourself, physically, mentally and spiritually. 

We are worthy of love and if people love us less, we should love ourselves even more so that when others fall in love with us, we are capable of giving them love back.