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| Smile and radiate with happiness |
What does happiness mean to us? Recently I came across a recent poll on IG simply asking how happy are you. The results were of course a mixture but I just found more were leaning on being unhappy. It was understandable because they stated their unhappiness were due to the unfortunate events in their lives such as the loss of a loved one, job, miscarriage, their former love of their life getting married and so on. If such an event unfold followed by another and another, then we also start to question if we will ever be happy. We also question our faith as we dive deeper into a depressing state especially when we put in so much effort only to be met with little to no results or developments. Simply put, we may start to lose hope in ourselves and on a spiritual note, that God doesn't love us.
I also start to question myself if life is really worth living especially when I have to bear the hardships myself. Getting through each day was pretty hard because I didn't know what tomorrow hold and if I ever am able to survive yet another day. It was even harder when other people were also dependent on me. Each night I would pray for God to give me strength to survive the next day and when you're being put in a situation, where you have to think on your feet, it can bring about surprising results. For example, learning to put aside my cowardice, swallowing my pride and having a thick skin such as asking a friend for financial help. Selling my favourite gadgets just to get some money so that I can go to work the next day. I ever asked from my aunt before and she had to blab to my mum even though I said not to and of course my mum made a whole situation out of it. It was to borrow a $100 which I later then paid up but it was being made into such a big deal, me asking for financial help.
That was the last time ever.
When we face hardships or challenges in life, we are actually capable in handling them because we are built to survive tough times. Of course it's not easy and can be life altering but know that there are good days and there are bad days. From my twenties to early thirties, life was tougher for me. And the burden was felt even more when nobody knew about my problems. When my mum found out about one of them, of course she had to be dramatic about it, like adding fuel and it was hard to talk to her because she refused to listen and just kept playing the blame game. So yah, that made me even more awful and blaming myself too for getting into these sticky situations.
I could understand too why there are people who refuse help because of past experience that they ever did try to pour out their problems only to be dismissed. And it's also another thing to actually keep the problem to ourselves because we didn't want to burden other people.
Externally, I can be smiling, laughing away and having fun during meet ups with friends and forget about my problems momentarily. Until I get back home and then the reality sets in again that I have to deal with this shit again.
I know others go through worse problems than me but it doesn't mean that I should dismiss mine either. We make mistakes that can be costly and affect our relationships with others and mending them take a lot of time and effort. It's understandable too since it felt as though we have breached their trust in us.
From that poll too, I also learn that there are also people, despite all those happening in their lives, they still chose to think positive and remain steadfast in their faith. Knowing that our plans may not be the best plans and what we get instead, may actually be better for us in the long run, even though at first it may be harder to accept because it was not what we asked for. For example, knowing for sure we will end up getting married to this guy after being with him for more than 10 years and then it just ended and we feel lost because we never thought that it could happen. Losing our job that we held on for so long, losing money in our business that we have helmed for many years..so many life events that it's a wonder how we we can ever be in a good mood facing each brand new day.
Looking back, I would say that I may not fully get out of my financial hardships but I am getting there. I am also learning to not get trivial matters bother me too much and if I ever caught myself letting these into my head, I start to count my blessings on how far I have come and on what I have right now. I don't know what the future holds but for now, I am not so hard up on cash from either my aunt or my friend. Oh this friend of mine loved to travel and sometimes I would find out when she would be leaving overseas. And then I would try to borrow money from her before she left.
Of course I did find other ways to finance myself which also mean spending on my fam and even did things I was not proud of and would continue to have them as my deep secrets. Only God knows and may He forgive me.
If you are going through tough times and it's hard for you to be happy, it's ok. Take it one day at a time but know also that you have the skills and abilities to get through these challenges. We are also not perfect and we can make mistakes. If it helps to tell someone, then do. I can't thank my friend enough for being such an angel. She also didn't blab to my other friend about me borrowing money.
I am also forever grateful to my younger brother who helped me to clear one of my credit card bills last year by paying $500 each month on top of the amount I was paying.
Note that as long as we want to change for our own benefits in the long run, things may look up for us. Just keep fighting for a better tomorrow.
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