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| A tall and handsome...red velvet ice cream |
Sometimes I feel like I am not doing enough or work hard enough to achieve what I want out of life. Or it gets tiring when things don't go as planned or the results that I get were not fast enough. I know this is not something new that I write about but just like the tides, our life pretty much goes up and down too, especially when we get overwhelmed or we start to compare ourselves with others and seeing how we lack so far behind.
So yesterday, I bought two different types of food. One was a packet or rice with dishes and another one is a noodle dish, which I originally wanted to get but the lady prepared the rice instead. But I still wanted to eat noodles so I bought noodles too. But then she added chilli and I actually do not like chilli in my food. It's complicated lol. Anyway, I ended up eating the packet of rice instead but the dishes were so meh, I didn't feel like I had a good meal. I still had to eat so I somehow forced myself until a certain point I had enough.
I know what you may be thinking, like people are dying out there without food and here I am complaining about the dismal dishes. But on the whole, I should be grateful I still can afford to buy, even if I struggle to finish the food. I just feel that if people are going to pay for something, you have to at least make their money worth earning.
Recently I also tried my hand at watercoloring simple illustrations and while I thought I was getting better, the recent works were so ugly. I tried a new medium which was using the watercolour pencils but I guess coz the quality wasn't good, the colouring turned out splotchy and that was the second time I drew the same illustration. So I stopped for awhile because it was getting nowhere as I struggle to progress on this skill.
But come to think of it, I am not trying to achieve world class standards. It was just a means for me to try something different besides paper crafting and to explore my creativity sides, besides just doing general office work or spending too much time on social media. I may not produce masterpieces but at least, I get to spend quality time just doing what I like.
Most days I am grateful to be given another chance to live another day but sometimes I feel like I blew this chance away. I admire those people who have back to back activities and while I know that they do stretch themselves too thin in order to 'chase' the time and God's praises, but at least they're being productive. They even deemed Netflix as 'evil' because it takes precious time away. And that time could have been better spent on boosting our spiritual knowledge.
And here I am watching reruns of the anime Demon Slayer when I have some free time such as if I am not journaling or making custom orders.
They also write or talk about how we spent too much time on the worldly desires such as spending our money on too many clothes. I didn't buy shoes for the longest time but I bought three last month because two of my current ones were not in good shape. It made me think that I might have bought too many, lol.
All these 'chasing' for God's praises, reposting others in the community of their efforts to learn and grow closer to God, and still on top of their efforts, they simply dismiss themselves by saying they are still shameful of themselves because they have a loooong list of sins that God hides from other people. Now I don't know how else to describe my sinful being lol, coz my efforts were not even a quarter of what they have been doing and yet they say they are very sinful.
But being in my 30s changed my perceptions on life a lot and these days, I do less comparisons with others though sometimes when they're in your face for quite a bit, you feel the pinch a little. And the older I got, the more I want to better myself and to be honest, the journey wasn't and still isn't easy. I didn't know anything on the knowledge that others have known for years. I also didn't know other forms of exercises besides being on the cross trainer and lifting some light weights. I felt that whatever I know, was good enough. The educational cert that I got when I was 20, was good enough. Until to a point I felt like I was missing out opportunities to grow in my career that I decided to further my studies.
But being older now compared to my twenties, the struggle was more real as I took a longer time to absorb the knowledge and accomplishing things, even things like losing weight. I don't lose as quickly as I did back in my 20s when 10 kg could be easily achieved within 2 to 3 months, much like the young you tubers that I watched recently of that age group. My stamina wasn't as great as when I was younger. 5 minutes on the cross trainer and I started to question my purpose in life, lol.
I also struggled back then with not having to meet anyone new especially the opposite sex and one by one, my former classmates got married and then I was falling further and further behind. But now I take comfort that even if I am a single woman approaching my 40, it doesn't diminish my worth or my marriage credibility. Of course there is also health issues in regards to late pregnancy like my friend who has to be extra careful. But so far things are going well for her so I guess it's also how you have been taking care of your health all this time too.
Despite the struggles, I have become more open and don't put myself down easily. So those girls may be on a fast track to a life in heaven judging from their social media postings on their religious activities. But I don't think Netflix is evil that robs us of our precious time. I just think some people just take some things rather extreme because they are so hard on themselves that God will be angry with them, if they spend this next hour watching a Korean drama. There are religious teachers that I follow who still follow soccer matches and watch netflix, like the whole drama and then watching it again coz it was that good.
But in the day and early night, they still went about hosting IG live in the evening imparting knowledge to others after running their businesses in the day or doing voluntary work as part of religious obligations.
One of them even owned a flashy car and even being told off by others to not show off. But they didn't feel like they did wrong because if anything, it was a reminder to others to their juniors that it's ok to own worldly possessions like a new house or a new car because you worked hard for them and as long as you are not boasting while looking down on others.
This is not a race with others to see who will get more rewards from God. We still put in the time and effort to learn, to contribute and to practice not to be recognised by these people but by God Himself.
So will my struggles ever end? Of course not. Because I am not a perfect human being. So it's ok to struggle for as long as I know that I am still going in the right directions. That I don't give up, even if my watercoloring efforts are right now pretty questionable. But I will learn to cope. First thing first, not to compare myself to other people's progress because everyone progresses at their own pace. This is my daily reminder because it can get hard at times when I struggle to accept the fact that I am not even close to reaching my goals while other girls seem to progress so far ahead over the months.
So let us conquer each day, one at a time and stay laser focused on the goals while still pursuing our other interests, like watching Netflix. To have faith in our plans, God's plans, and to work on our self improvements and positivity that can help me through our daily struggles.
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