Loneliness and Being in a State of Panic

Last weekend, I felt a pang of loneliness. I don't know what overcame me but I didn't really feel good about myself. Is it because I suddenly crave for attention or that people have not been paying attention to me that I felt lonely. I never had a problem with being single or without companionship but about that time last weekend, I somehow felt that sense of emptiness in me.

I know I used to feel as though there truly is something wrong with me that I don't get attention from guys. But I have overcome that and chose to do things that matter to me and just lead life as per normal. However that weekend, the emptiness sank in hard. Days have passed ever since then and I just live day by day. Some days aren't perfect and smooth sailing while some were pretty alright. I chose instead to focus on making this day better than it was yesterday and to be grateful to be given another day to live.

On the topic of loneliness, I watched a drama recently which honestly, I had yet to finish. But I watched the ending episodes and got the drift on what the main storyline was about. It was a short drama about friendship, love and being true to oneself. Actually, I knew of this drama some time back but based on previews, I thought the ending was meh. But it turned out to have a happy ending instead. Why I thought it didn't end well or that it had a sad or tragic ending because most dramas of that sort would typically end that way.

So the two main characters became fast friends and each of them had untold stories and yet got along well with each other. They found happiness between them amidst their personal troubles. However, their happiness was short-lived and they got separated cruelly and it was the most heartbreaking scene. One of them had accepted this separation but held on to the believe that one day, they would meet again. The other one had a problem accepting it initially and because there was no other choice, he built a life for himself based on people's expectations even if it means 'killing' the person inside of him.

The problem was, the person he thought he had killed, didn't really die within him. He was still alive, yet lonely. He did grow up to become a lawyer which was his dream despite growing up with a father who was a gang leader. He had a family with a beautiful wife and daughter but other than that, he led an extremely boring life. He walked the same path, came to work and knock off at the same timing, eating at a small restaurant which he had been going since school and reading the same column in the newspaper.

He also continued to hold on to the past that once gave him his happiness. Once a month, he revisited his old school field, reliving the times that he spent there and being really happy. But in the end, based on the letter left by his friend, they did eventually meet again when the wife, through a private investigator, found out a secret from an old photograph that he had been holding on all these years.

When they met again, while one of them was trying to remember how long it had been, 13 years? He gave a specific answer: 13 years, 6 months and 5 days. He had actually counted from the day they last saw each other. Wow. Long story short, his marriage ended amicably and they got reunited again in a meeting that was unplanned but was long overdue. It was not dramatic like 'oh how I missed you so much!' but rather, hey let's go eat somewhere to eat, your treat. But it gave hope that they were slowly but surely rekindling their lost friendship. 

At that point, the music fit in with the scene so well and I had nothing but smiles for them. How the scene of their second reunion got interlaced with the scenes of them back then in school from years back. And just perhaps too, it triggered within me, a sense of loneliness, lol. Why can't I get my happy ending too?

But over the next few days, the feelings slowly disappear and I'm back to my boring old self again. I didn't feel lonely and insecure again. But with a renewed hope to treat myself better. I'm just a human being. It's not wrong for me to feel 'emo' at times. It's just a way for me to see it as not giving enough love or credit to myself. Forget about the lack of companionship. I just don't give attention to myself. 

I let the rubbish in the trash bin pile up in my room. Empty plastic bottles left on the table and not kept aside for recycling. Not spending enough time doing what makes me happy or let me gain new knowledge. Didn't take good care of my skin by being lazy with my night skincare routine when I should because my skin is no longer 'young' so it needs more proper attention. Aimlessly surfing the net when I should be doing something productive like writing this blog, heh.

Also, we are currently going through a health crisis in Singapore with the virus scare. I cannot afford to let my guard down with personal hygiene because there is a virus going on that has killed many people, especially in China where the virus originated. It has since travelled here because some visitors from the epicentre of China came here and they fell sick shortly. And yesterday, the alert became orange when there were 4 cases unlinked to the previous cases. So once we slack off on personal hygiene, we are very susceptible to getting this virus that spread through touch. 

I have no time to think about loneliness already, lol. I am in a state of panic because like many other people, I don't want to catch the virus. They say it's like a common cold but the recovery is slower and if your immune system is not strong enough, it can lead to pneumonia and things can get critical once you start having difficulties breathing on your own. And why I am scared is because I tend to 'catch' illness easily from others who have been sick and in close distance with me such as my work place. The only 'bright' side if I get sick from them is that my recovery rate is very fast. But with this mutated virus, I am not so sure. 

You know, I have never really placed close attention to washing my hands thoroughly especially when I leave the toilet or before meals. But now I have to. It may seem troublesome to get my hands clean all the time especially after touching many things but it is a preventive measure.

Let's all be safe and don't fret over small matters. Focus on the big wins in life. Stay healthy and spend time wisely. Oh, and don't panic. Let's be responsible.