The Simple Act of Smiling & Thinking Too Much

Recently, I found that I have been increasingly comparing myself to other girls and then getting upset that  I don't have, and perhaps will never have, their kind of physical appearance. Most times, I manage to snap out of it, but then will start again and then it just goes on and on. I start to think negatively that perhaps, my looks, personality and introvert nature have hindered me from making new friends, specifically, the opposite sex. Honestly, I am not looking for love or companionship. I know that being loved can make you feel special and if he's rightfully the one for you, can even make you a better person than you are now. So I have nothing against finding love. Its' just that it is not for me.

But still, I can't help but think that I'm lacking friends of the opposite sex because of the way I look. The point of me writing this is not to put me down. Rather, I want to tell myself that it's better for people to accept me for who I am and that's where the problem lies. I just keep thinking that I am not smart or attractive enough to make guys want to get to know me. I am socially awkward or just awkward or even weird in general, haha. 

I really hate all this negative thoughts that is putting me down and I don't get why nowadays I don't easily snap myself out as I used to in the past. 

My guess is that I have been too invested in watching niche movies or dramas and becoming bewildered over how fast people fall in love. And at times, it's not because they're both attractive and naturally gravitate towards each other. Ok, except for one of the shows, haha. One has killer abs and the other has skin that is so glass like, even when there is blood stains on the face, still look like a freaking angel. The rest, it's a matter of just being interested and curious in wanting to get to know the person better and in the process, falls in love as well. 

In my previous post, I talked about how these two leads got so involved in the characters they were supposed to play, the line between what is real and what is not, becomes blur. In my case however, I start to overthink over a simple gesture that caught me by surprise because in my mind, I always think such things will never happen to me. Case in point, the guy in the gym that I have been crushing on for more than year but he always looked away whenever I walked past him even if I thought he was looking when I looked else where. 

I dunno..maybe I am just being delusional. I told my friends because I was so damn excited that a guy smiled at me at the work gym. It took him a few seconds to look and then smile, perhaps after recognising me from earlier morning when I tapped the door access open for him to enter. He was also being so gentlemanly when he gestured me to go in first by saying 'after you'. Oh, heart eyes heart eyes! Anyway, I looked different too because I was dressed down in ugly gym attire and with my hair tied up. I didn't think he would even do that since I had not talked to him at all whenever he goes to my office to provide IT assistance to the high level officers.

After telling them and the excitement had died down, including me imagining that he asked me out for lunch, hahhaha, I convinced myself that it is nothing. It's just a freaking SMILE. And then I have to snap out of it. But at the same time, I also sadly think that it's nothing because he's such a fit person where else I am only attempting to be fit, haha. Even if I regularly go gym and fitness classes simply because I enjoy them, one look at me you will never guess, haha. I'm like so the opposite of a fit person.

Anyway, I hate to put myself down because I  believe every woman has her own worth and it's measured beyond physical appearance. But it's always the first thought in mind if we get rejected or when we start to compare ourselves to others making us so damn insecure.

Why must we torture ourselves with such mental games when we are worth much more than that. After writing this out, I hope to clear my head and start focusing more on myself and to move beyond putting myself down. There's so many things I want to learn and improve which I believe will increase the quality of my life. I think that getting more involved in things that interest me will hopefully distract me from often thinking negatively about myself.

Also, telling myself not to think too much and at the end of the day, the movies and dramas that I watch, they are just acting.