Thursday, June 07, 2018

You Are Better Than That..And A Weird Dream

I have been acting a little weird since some time ago where I decided I would just ignore people who don't really care about your existence, like they don't even acknowledge your presence even though we are working in the same department. Well, I still think that I shouldn't waste my time on them either but I think I took it a little further than I expected with people whom I'm on talking terms with. 

For example, I didn't on my work communicator because suddenly I didn't feel like talking to my other colleague sitting at the other end of the office. For three days. And over the weekend, I felt like I missed talking to her. I dunno, maybe because I felt like I was being judged when I said I didn't hug and kiss my parents while she was saying her sons do it to her like all the time. But I did say too that they showed their acts of love through other means because they were traditional parents.

Then last two days I started talking to her again but this time, I tried to be a little more careful not to divulge too much personal information about myself. I know some values I hold may not sit well with the majority of people just because they're not the norms. For instance, I know that I don't want to have children or that I don't want to start my own family and it's something that I have decided back when I was in my teens. Of course I don't go around telling people that because no matter how modern you see Singapore is, we are still very much traditional in values. 

So if you don't say a lot of things, people will question you less. Then worse, when they try to change your perceptions and stuffs but you've already made up your mind. I mean agree people can change their minds along the way and then they thought about how they have a change of heart and now they like children, enjoys dating yada yada..well, to each their own.

Anyway, I decided that I wasn't so happy being so ignorant and with this couldn't care less attitude. Yes not everyone is going to respond the same way and it's OK. What is not okay when I start treating most people like that. Today I am on leave and I thought it will be a quick break for me to reflect and respond. Last week, it wasn't so good as well when my manager said she was disappointed that I didn't check my work properly. 

But I still have to move on, no matter what. I mean life throws your curveballs at times to keep you on your toes so you don't slack. It can be challenging but being in tough situations can make you come out to be stronger emotionally.

So let's restart this and I'm just going to be more friendlier, rather than aloof because it doesn't give me good feelings. I am better than that. I am better than those people who have been ignoring me. I should shift my focus on people that have been friendly with me because they don't judge and they don't see some people as beneath them which I think should be the way, but then again, the world doesn't work that way.

I think I have been in this hole for some time so it will take awhile to get back in the groove. Let's hope for the better.

Oh! I wanted to say how I had a weird dream last night. Actually weird dreams are quite a norm for me, but yah. Anyway, I don't know how and what and why that I dreamt I was dating a Chinese guy and I was in the car with him, and sharing him some problems regarding my family's financial dilemma such as getting rejection for some financial aid that we were applying because I was short of some document.

And he was sweet to drive me around to some places to get things sorted and along the way, I had problem closing the car door. And then behind, there were composition papers in Chinese which he had marked and was like complaining about and then it dawned on me that I was dating a Chinese Language teacher.

I told you it's weird. 

But then again, what is even weirder is that I had never dreamt I dated someone of the same race as me and even in dreams, they can be biased like the guy is always good looking. My dreams have standards too, lol!

Okay, I should end this before I talked about more weird things.

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