After a long while of hoping and praying my father would recover soon, it had came to a point that he could not be saved anymore because his vital organs were failing. I already told myself that if the doctors were to say that they had tried their best, I would then slowly accept the fact that I had to learn to let my father go. The lady doctor was kind enough to advise me and let me know that I had done my best as a daughter and it was time to learn to let go and when she said words like that, I was so saddened by it that I could not control my tears at my workplace. I had wonderful colleagues who helped me through the tough times and covering my duties and they let me go early even without myself telling the words.
It was such a grim thing to do that when my father was dying in the hospital, I was busy cleaning the house especially his room and the living room and throwing a lot of things of which some of them were his things. My father was a keeper and some things were just too painful to keep as memories. But in case you think I was cold hearted, I kept his sandals outside and every time I went out to throw the rubbish, it reminded me of him and it was already too painful.
My hospital kept calling me to come and see my father and inform the immediate family members. His blood pressure was getting lower and then the third call, they asked me to come down immediately and I ate a bit and I rushed off quickly.
I spent my whole day there even though at some point, they kept ushering me out because they wanted to check him and god knows what else they did. But when I came before that, and he was unconscious but still breathing, I was in tears as I told him that I loved him, to forgive me for my sins, my brother's sins, and my mother's sins. I told him too that I forgive all his sins and I am so sorry for not taking good care of him. I dont know if he could hear me but I just said those words to at least bring relief to myself and wanted to spend time with him on his last day.
I said some prayers and I got a bit upset coz I was so lousy at reading the prayer book that I gave up halfway and said other prayers that I know of and would still be of benefit to him. I whispered in his ears some prayers too but my father was a strong man. He had been sick for the longest time and he kept his illness to himself until we always had to keep on persuading him to see the doctor.
After being ushered out a few times, when I came back yet another time again, I realised that he had stopped breathing. I tried to feel the pulse but it was still there though it was very weak. The nurses didnt seem to do anything and in my heart, I was like thinking if they could help check my father to see if he had passed away. Instead, I took that opportunity to spend a bit more time with him, whether he was still alive or not, by holding his hand, stroking his face, lifting his head so he would lie down more comfortably. I thought that I wouldnt get the chance to do this anymore, be able to touch him and show him how much I care for him.
I laid my head on the side of his bed post holding his hand and telling myself that no matter what, in the event they certify him dead, it was only for his best because when he was unconcsiouc a few times, I told him that I dont want him to suffer anymore. Even as he laid down on his bed not breathing anymore, I told him to rest as there would be no more suffering. When I first came to see him at about 3pm, I said I was willing to let him go. I said I was very sad that he was sick and he had to go through so much pain. It hurts so much to say those words and previously, I could not say those words out verbally but I tried to be strong and whispered those words to him because I dont know if I am able to say them anymore if he was gone.
The final check when the nurses came with machines and stuff coz one of them suspected that he might have passed away, they ushered me out again. I sat on the chair beside the curtain telling myself that I have to accept the fact that my father is gone.
They didnt tell me anything and when my aunt came, one of them was telling her softly and then after a short while later, my aunt asked if I knew my father was gone.
In actual fact, as my aunt retold the story to my mum, apparently the nurses did not have the courage to tell me because they said they knew I was very sad already when I came and sat down beside him resting my head on the side bar of the bed. They just could not bear to break the news to me and told my aunt to tell me instead.
Because my father spend more than a month in that ward, they knew my father even though he did not really talk to them and they knew I came all the time. So when he passed away, some of them stood by his bed side for some time looking very sad as well.
I guess God wanted to help me too as I was alone at that time and would not know what to do in this event and I supposed that was how my aunt came at the time he was certified dead. My aunt helped to organize and even though she was not so sure about it too, she called her daughter who was an ex nurse and also called my uncle to come down.
And then Rasool came even though I didnt ask her too and she accompanied me throughout including going to A&E to make the certificate of death. Only God knows I needed moral support more than anything else during such times.
Yesterday after my father's burial, my aunt kept telling me to keep the extended family ties together because we can rely on one another if I need help. My family has gone through so much and even though I dont shun on family ties, to me if Im desperate for help, I will turn to anyone as long as they are sincere in providing the help needed. My colleagues, ex colleagues and friends have been very supportive not just in terms of emotional support but financial support too. It's not that we dont ask for help from the family members, but when we ask them, they have their excuses too. So to me, whats the point. Help can come from anyone. They dont have to be related by family ties.
That aside, frankly speaking, I am not angry with God for taking my father's life away. I know other people may especially if they have been praying hard every single waking hour praying for miracles to happen. Like what a friend says, there is no right or wrong answer. I also believe that, everything happens for a reason. I was also plagued with anticipated problems like my late father's long term dialysis plan, his rehabilitation coz he was no longer strong and especially financial problems because medical costs are not cheap. I also had to think of my other family members like how was I going to feed them when right now I am struggling myself.
God does not only love my father but he loves me too. So dont ever ever think that God does not love you. In turn, please love Him back. Though I am saddened by my father's death, it does brought a peace of mind to me as he no longer has to suffer.
My late father was often misunderstood because he was a very quiet man. My mum often throw hissing fits at him, wishing that my father would..u know...so she would freedom because she kept saying she regret marrying my father. He had so much patience all these years with my mum's constant verbal abuse.
But my mum regretted everything she said and every time she recalled my father's words or my father's actions, she would also cry because she realised that my father was a good man who put others before himself and would often want to pay back in kindness to other people who had offered help to us whether in terms of money or other things. She said that she sinned a lot towards my father and only I was devoid of sins because I helped to take care of him and because I loved him so much.
Dear God, please put my father among the many good men and may God bless his soul. Amin.
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