While others are spending dollar after dollar in preparation for hari raya...i'd rather not. Im upset over the fact tat I was not able to maintain the savings which I had planned for my family's use during this festive season. As much as I had tried my best, I could not ignore my family's daily expenses too. Because of that, I had to dig into the savings and now, it doesnt seem so much like a happy occasion anymore as I dont think I can afford to spend so much during this time. But, it is inevitable. So, not suprising for my mum to plan and order cookies, cakes, what to cook on that day and what to bake. Like what others say, the show must go on. Life must go on. It is day to enjoy, watch tv whole day long, celebrate the end of the fasting month and above all, renew your relationships with your family members and friends as we seek forgiveness from one another.
Others may take this opportunity to visit relatives and friends near and far but for my family, it has always been a solemn affair. Im pretty neutral when it comes to celebrating it and only look forward to my mum's home cooked meal as my mum hardly cooks throughout the year. Actually, I wouldnt even mind wearing last year's baju kurung on the first day itself this year and even last year's baju kurung was given by my aunt who cant fit it coz it was too big. In short, I am simply in no mood for this so called joyous occasion. Maybe coz Im no longer a kid? Frankly speaking, I think it was from childhood that I had developed this non joyous mood coz I often cringed going to my relatives' house. Heck, yesterday I saw them and pray they didnt see me too, Im like eurgh....do I have to see them before hari raya? Okaylah, whatever...they can call me sombong or snobbish..proud..whatever....I just can go on pretending that no, I didnt see them coz there were so many malay families going about their roundabouts at ikea.
I know they were like my relatives no matter what......but I just cant accept the fact that they dont really care about us. Only last year, that she and her husband were going to haji...the holy land..that suddenly, they offered their help to us especially my father coz he is her brother..even though she was adopted. NOw, they had finished their pilgrimage, no news came from them like how he is doing and stuff. Yeah, like my mum said...they were afraid they would vomit blood there so must make amends before bad luck befall them. Now the deed had been done what....they came back in one piece so who cares what happens to my father. I just cant stand people who have A LOT to say about others like they were so gawd damn perfect that in God's eye, they are these perfect little angels.
BULL SHIT.
Stop playing this stupid mindless games with others. I know we're not as religious as you snobbish twits, I know Im not as gawd damn friendly as your freaking children, and I also know it is because of me, you all hardly visit my family while my father, even though he was elder, was being the one doing the visitation to his younger sister's house instead every year. I also know my mum isnt like you too caring for the husband in the usual wifey ways. But it doesnt give her a right to criticise my family especially my mum. She's not perfect and so are you....
I guess coz of my relatives that I have this inner fear that I dont wish to be married because I will have to learn to cope living with the extended families. I will have to pretend to be someone else because I will be called an ungrateful daughter in law should I choose not to get along with some of them....gawd..especially those kepo mak ciks. arrggh!!!!!
Can I put off the idea of marriage...for a long long time? I know God encourages us to get married, have a family like what my current work partner is so trying to encourage.....but seriously, it's not a must..it's simply encouraged. It's hard enough looking after my family, I cant imagine forming one of my own. Im sure God understands that.
So for now, I do have a tinge of regret not acknowledging her yesterday coz after all, God doesnt like us to be like that. Even though we are indirectly related, she's still family and my mum is feuding against her and not me. But like what I said, I still dont appreciate her getting at my mum just coz of her less conventional ways of performing her wife duties. You know what..forget it. Like what I said, it's not something new that she thinks I dont care about my relatives..coz it's the truth anyway.
Others may take this opportunity to visit relatives and friends near and far but for my family, it has always been a solemn affair. Im pretty neutral when it comes to celebrating it and only look forward to my mum's home cooked meal as my mum hardly cooks throughout the year. Actually, I wouldnt even mind wearing last year's baju kurung on the first day itself this year and even last year's baju kurung was given by my aunt who cant fit it coz it was too big. In short, I am simply in no mood for this so called joyous occasion. Maybe coz Im no longer a kid? Frankly speaking, I think it was from childhood that I had developed this non joyous mood coz I often cringed going to my relatives' house. Heck, yesterday I saw them and pray they didnt see me too, Im like eurgh....do I have to see them before hari raya? Okaylah, whatever...they can call me sombong or snobbish..proud..whatever....I just can go on pretending that no, I didnt see them coz there were so many malay families going about their roundabouts at ikea.
I know they were like my relatives no matter what......but I just cant accept the fact that they dont really care about us. Only last year, that she and her husband were going to haji...the holy land..that suddenly, they offered their help to us especially my father coz he is her brother..even though she was adopted. NOw, they had finished their pilgrimage, no news came from them like how he is doing and stuff. Yeah, like my mum said...they were afraid they would vomit blood there so must make amends before bad luck befall them. Now the deed had been done what....they came back in one piece so who cares what happens to my father. I just cant stand people who have A LOT to say about others like they were so gawd damn perfect that in God's eye, they are these perfect little angels.
BULL SHIT.
Stop playing this stupid mindless games with others. I know we're not as religious as you snobbish twits, I know Im not as gawd damn friendly as your freaking children, and I also know it is because of me, you all hardly visit my family while my father, even though he was elder, was being the one doing the visitation to his younger sister's house instead every year. I also know my mum isnt like you too caring for the husband in the usual wifey ways. But it doesnt give her a right to criticise my family especially my mum. She's not perfect and so are you....
I guess coz of my relatives that I have this inner fear that I dont wish to be married because I will have to learn to cope living with the extended families. I will have to pretend to be someone else because I will be called an ungrateful daughter in law should I choose not to get along with some of them....gawd..especially those kepo mak ciks. arrggh!!!!!
Can I put off the idea of marriage...for a long long time? I know God encourages us to get married, have a family like what my current work partner is so trying to encourage.....but seriously, it's not a must..it's simply encouraged. It's hard enough looking after my family, I cant imagine forming one of my own. Im sure God understands that.
So for now, I do have a tinge of regret not acknowledging her yesterday coz after all, God doesnt like us to be like that. Even though we are indirectly related, she's still family and my mum is feuding against her and not me. But like what I said, I still dont appreciate her getting at my mum just coz of her less conventional ways of performing her wife duties. You know what..forget it. Like what I said, it's not something new that she thinks I dont care about my relatives..coz it's the truth anyway.
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