I have kicked plan c into action a day earlier than I had planned and it did get me upset a bit but I have pretty much prepared for it. I would say that I have got no other choice. Okay, maybe it is not the only choice but heck, for now it had been the best one.
I would not want to say what plan c is all about even if nobody reads this entry. It's not because Im being all secretive about it but just that I dont wish to talk about it. But I do want to write that this has been a tough period for me and I have been trying to so called cheer myself up a bit by reading magazine articles or online articles about other people's hardship period whether it has passed or not. I want to come out strong just like them and that life will get better soon.
In my other blog, I sounded a bit more depressive than now and that was before I kicked plan c into action (or plan D..I dunno..I dont keep track of things anymore). Maybe I was at my most vulnerable moment where I just refused to believe that behind dark clouds, there is a rainbow in waiting. I hate my life and I hate how God is testing me now. Guess what? I have yet to fully recover from yesterday's ordeal but Im a little bit more sombre now.
Actually.....
Im pretty much lost right now. Just dont ask me why. Im also at a loss for words now and continue writing. This week..or at least the most part of the week, I would say that Im pretty 'safe' but I will still have this worry syndrome hanging over me.
But, if there's a plus point coming out of this entry is that I....am proud of myself. Maybe instead of just focusing on how tough life is for me now, I should pat myself on the shoulder.
WHY?!!!
Because, I dont just sit down or lie down on the comfort of my mattress, crying my eyes out, be all mad and raging, playing the blame game (okay I played that a bit...) and to just throw in the towel. Last year, even when I was not financially troubled like now (thats a big giveaway), I was still suffering from a bout of depression. If it's not about money, it's about this. Life just continue to throw you problem after problem. But what matters is how you get out of it and learn to slowly accept things as they are and then do something about it to ease the pain.
I may be a coward in real life and famous for being a timid and shy girl. But if the situation calls for it, I can put on a brave front even if I am faking it and sometimes even I am amazed by this slight transformation.
Thats one thing. Earlier on, I was saying that I hardly am the one that does nothing and wait for solutions to fall on her lap just like that. I look for solutions and I refuse to give in easily. Like when my pc has trouble connecting to the internet even when the lights are blinking and I dont see anything else that is wrong but I still cant surf, solution after solution will start to stream in my head until it will finally work. Even if it takes me more than an hour.
This part of me is what I am quite proud of and it stems from the fact that I dont like to trouble people. I am not like my mum who can complain all day long or make noise at someone first thing in the morning (like what she did to me just now). I dont like to think that this is it..this is the end and I will just whine about my tough luck and how sucky life is.
This morning, she kept on shouting and screaming at me and also said that I will die fast before I reach forties because I cant even take care of myself.
Watever. But then, when she sees that despite my sheer laziness, I do try to keep the family going in ways that I can. Whenever I do that, somehow her behaviour towards me will change and that she has this newfound resepect for me.
NOw it's not that she said that openly to me and I doubt she ever will coz she's a very egoistic woman.
But I can tell from the tone of her voice and her sudden declarations like 'boleh yang?' or 'can darling?' or her constant invitation to share the food that I bought for her and my brother despite saying no several times. I know she pities me but she does not want to say it. It's because of this same pity that she scolded my father last Saturday for being so the tak kisah or could not be bothered type and only expect food to be on the table when he steps into the kitchen.
That's the thing about me. Despite what my father has done to me or my mum, and putting me in this state of misery because of his refusal to work despite taking medicine and being in a better state than last year, I have this mentality that I dont want him to find out things about me and lose respect for me. In 1999, when I failed my exams badly or knew I was a goner, the first flash of fear was my dad and not my mum even though my mum is more fierce than him.
I guess you can say that we're a dysfunctional family and unfortunately, I am also part of the equation. But even then, I think I might be the only sane one around and if Im the type who thinks about myself only (which my mum always pick on whenever she's angry with me), I dont know what will happen.
Maybe this is a survival skill of mine and I may complain constantly on my blog about life's misery, but I should ease up a bit and be proud of myself that I am empowered with the skill to try to solve the problem and not nothing.
So yah, I think you should do the same thing too. I read somewhere that we concentrate too much on the negative side of life that we forget that life is not all about that. If we go through a bad break up with a guy we thought we're going to spend our whole life with, be thankful that we have friends to help us cope with the pain. If we think that our body is not slim enough, be happy that we're still in the pink of health unlike those skinny twigs who wprobably fall sick easily due to lack of nutrients.
I guess the moral of the story is to learn to empower ourselves even if sometimes, it is not exactly a fun shiny moment to embrace like the sun on the beach.
So I end up writing good stuff even though in the beginning, I admit that I am feeling a little depressed. I still feel shitty but at the very least, I know that I still manage to reflect a bit that I know I can pull through this hardship. I just inow I can and I will.
I would not want to say what plan c is all about even if nobody reads this entry. It's not because Im being all secretive about it but just that I dont wish to talk about it. But I do want to write that this has been a tough period for me and I have been trying to so called cheer myself up a bit by reading magazine articles or online articles about other people's hardship period whether it has passed or not. I want to come out strong just like them and that life will get better soon.
In my other blog, I sounded a bit more depressive than now and that was before I kicked plan c into action (or plan D..I dunno..I dont keep track of things anymore). Maybe I was at my most vulnerable moment where I just refused to believe that behind dark clouds, there is a rainbow in waiting. I hate my life and I hate how God is testing me now. Guess what? I have yet to fully recover from yesterday's ordeal but Im a little bit more sombre now.
Actually.....
Im pretty much lost right now. Just dont ask me why. Im also at a loss for words now and continue writing. This week..or at least the most part of the week, I would say that Im pretty 'safe' but I will still have this worry syndrome hanging over me.
But, if there's a plus point coming out of this entry is that I....am proud of myself. Maybe instead of just focusing on how tough life is for me now, I should pat myself on the shoulder.
WHY?!!!
Because, I dont just sit down or lie down on the comfort of my mattress, crying my eyes out, be all mad and raging, playing the blame game (okay I played that a bit...) and to just throw in the towel. Last year, even when I was not financially troubled like now (thats a big giveaway), I was still suffering from a bout of depression. If it's not about money, it's about this. Life just continue to throw you problem after problem. But what matters is how you get out of it and learn to slowly accept things as they are and then do something about it to ease the pain.
I may be a coward in real life and famous for being a timid and shy girl. But if the situation calls for it, I can put on a brave front even if I am faking it and sometimes even I am amazed by this slight transformation.
Thats one thing. Earlier on, I was saying that I hardly am the one that does nothing and wait for solutions to fall on her lap just like that. I look for solutions and I refuse to give in easily. Like when my pc has trouble connecting to the internet even when the lights are blinking and I dont see anything else that is wrong but I still cant surf, solution after solution will start to stream in my head until it will finally work. Even if it takes me more than an hour.
This part of me is what I am quite proud of and it stems from the fact that I dont like to trouble people. I am not like my mum who can complain all day long or make noise at someone first thing in the morning (like what she did to me just now). I dont like to think that this is it..this is the end and I will just whine about my tough luck and how sucky life is.
This morning, she kept on shouting and screaming at me and also said that I will die fast before I reach forties because I cant even take care of myself.
Watever. But then, when she sees that despite my sheer laziness, I do try to keep the family going in ways that I can. Whenever I do that, somehow her behaviour towards me will change and that she has this newfound resepect for me.
NOw it's not that she said that openly to me and I doubt she ever will coz she's a very egoistic woman.
But I can tell from the tone of her voice and her sudden declarations like 'boleh yang?' or 'can darling?' or her constant invitation to share the food that I bought for her and my brother despite saying no several times. I know she pities me but she does not want to say it. It's because of this same pity that she scolded my father last Saturday for being so the tak kisah or could not be bothered type and only expect food to be on the table when he steps into the kitchen.
That's the thing about me. Despite what my father has done to me or my mum, and putting me in this state of misery because of his refusal to work despite taking medicine and being in a better state than last year, I have this mentality that I dont want him to find out things about me and lose respect for me. In 1999, when I failed my exams badly or knew I was a goner, the first flash of fear was my dad and not my mum even though my mum is more fierce than him.
I guess you can say that we're a dysfunctional family and unfortunately, I am also part of the equation. But even then, I think I might be the only sane one around and if Im the type who thinks about myself only (which my mum always pick on whenever she's angry with me), I dont know what will happen.
Maybe this is a survival skill of mine and I may complain constantly on my blog about life's misery, but I should ease up a bit and be proud of myself that I am empowered with the skill to try to solve the problem and not nothing.
So yah, I think you should do the same thing too. I read somewhere that we concentrate too much on the negative side of life that we forget that life is not all about that. If we go through a bad break up with a guy we thought we're going to spend our whole life with, be thankful that we have friends to help us cope with the pain. If we think that our body is not slim enough, be happy that we're still in the pink of health unlike those skinny twigs who wprobably fall sick easily due to lack of nutrients.
I guess the moral of the story is to learn to empower ourselves even if sometimes, it is not exactly a fun shiny moment to embrace like the sun on the beach.
So I end up writing good stuff even though in the beginning, I admit that I am feeling a little depressed. I still feel shitty but at the very least, I know that I still manage to reflect a bit that I know I can pull through this hardship. I just inow I can and I will.
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