Okay so NOW the true follow up as to last outing with M. So it was one of my 'follow-my-friend's' outing and as much as I like to on these outings, it keeps my mum baffled like why the heck I bother going when all Im gonna do is follow them around and not getting anything for myself knowing budget conscious I am. And also, to someone else who may know a smattering of my lifestyle know this isn't the kind of lifestyle I lead as if Im pretending to be someone Im not being in a place where I wont be caught dead alone. Okay so fine..you critics. I know Im not the shopper kind and who doesn't like this sort of outfit no matter how pretty and how nice they can be and who would rather watch rented dvds then spending ten bucks on a movie and another 5 on popcorn and nachos.
But it's the company of friends that I enjoy. Nothing else. So what if I get to be hot and bothered if our plans are ruined or up in my feet for like one freaking hour or have to endure food that I hardly eat or worse..to finish up whatever fried goodies left for me coz my friend wants me to put on weight back to bring some 'colour' back to my face. I dunno...I just enjoy it. Period. I enjoy talking to my friends whether is it about the movie we watch, or over problems be it studies or work.....to me that matters most.
When I used to go on these gatherings with my ex schoolmates, I used to look forward to it so much that anything that I do revolves around it. For example, I will be thinking what the heck to wear and do some experimentations with what little nice clothings I have. But of course, they will always turn out nicer than me no matter how simple they can be dressed up. And yet again, my 'im so fat compared to them' mentality will haunt me halfway and at times, I find that I get lonesome after awhile when they drifted into their conversations and I didn't know how to butt in and join in the conversation. The only thing I Could do was to be my usual jovial self and be all happy and merry over food.
So now.....somehow I know what is good company and what is...I wouldnt say bad...more like...neutral. I dont look forward to any future gatherings as the gap from the last gathering was too big and how something happened in between that got me angry and bitter as to why such 'exclusiveness'. Even though I was tongue lashed at, I was proud as to where I stood because I was fighting for a right. Yes, M will be wondering if she read this like what the heck this woman is talking about coz I didnt tell her about this. There was supposed to be a gathering as one of them apparently missed seeing me and then thought eh..why not ask some others. I was excited but I swear I didn't know that it was only meant for some..not all of us. Why this exclusion? For her eyes only is it? As much as I respected her moral support towards my initial attempts to lose weight where even losing 1 pathetic kilo initially she gave me my first mango top, I didn't agree with her stand.
I guess that's partly the reason why I kinda stopped going online and kinda felt jaded until now. I never see them as any different from me even if they thought I was weird or I was being too much or whatever.....I see them as my friends, that's all and Im grateful for every invitation I got for such gatherings. Even if Im in touch with very few of them, whether back from secondary school or primary school even, these are the friends who see me as I am and not ask me along for the sake of asking me along or for some company. They like me for who I am and thats all matters. It's just me repaying back their token of friendship to me by being there for them even if their lifestyle or their spending habits vary from me.
Like I said, it's the company of good friends that matters.
But it's the company of friends that I enjoy. Nothing else. So what if I get to be hot and bothered if our plans are ruined or up in my feet for like one freaking hour or have to endure food that I hardly eat or worse..to finish up whatever fried goodies left for me coz my friend wants me to put on weight back to bring some 'colour' back to my face. I dunno...I just enjoy it. Period. I enjoy talking to my friends whether is it about the movie we watch, or over problems be it studies or work.....to me that matters most.
When I used to go on these gatherings with my ex schoolmates, I used to look forward to it so much that anything that I do revolves around it. For example, I will be thinking what the heck to wear and do some experimentations with what little nice clothings I have. But of course, they will always turn out nicer than me no matter how simple they can be dressed up. And yet again, my 'im so fat compared to them' mentality will haunt me halfway and at times, I find that I get lonesome after awhile when they drifted into their conversations and I didn't know how to butt in and join in the conversation. The only thing I Could do was to be my usual jovial self and be all happy and merry over food.
So now.....somehow I know what is good company and what is...I wouldnt say bad...more like...neutral. I dont look forward to any future gatherings as the gap from the last gathering was too big and how something happened in between that got me angry and bitter as to why such 'exclusiveness'. Even though I was tongue lashed at, I was proud as to where I stood because I was fighting for a right. Yes, M will be wondering if she read this like what the heck this woman is talking about coz I didnt tell her about this. There was supposed to be a gathering as one of them apparently missed seeing me and then thought eh..why not ask some others. I was excited but I swear I didn't know that it was only meant for some..not all of us. Why this exclusion? For her eyes only is it? As much as I respected her moral support towards my initial attempts to lose weight where even losing 1 pathetic kilo initially she gave me my first mango top, I didn't agree with her stand.
I guess that's partly the reason why I kinda stopped going online and kinda felt jaded until now. I never see them as any different from me even if they thought I was weird or I was being too much or whatever.....I see them as my friends, that's all and Im grateful for every invitation I got for such gatherings. Even if Im in touch with very few of them, whether back from secondary school or primary school even, these are the friends who see me as I am and not ask me along for the sake of asking me along or for some company. They like me for who I am and thats all matters. It's just me repaying back their token of friendship to me by being there for them even if their lifestyle or their spending habits vary from me.
Like I said, it's the company of good friends that matters.
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