You know what? I realised something...when Im depressed, I binge. Im not the sort who takes on a tub of ice cream and then eat like it's the only food that can relieve me of my 'pain'. Last Friday, my mum got on my nerves coz she was behaving like a child who couldn't get what she wanted. I bought the fish and chips from KFC and it was shared among my brother, me and my mum. I ate a bit coz they were obviously more hungry. But being a growing boy, of course my brother would eat a tad bit more and we always have to remind him to leave some behind for people to eat or at least for my mum. Otherwise, help yourself to the crumbs. Then my mum would take her own sweet time before she eats and then when it was almost finishing, thanks to you know who...she would sulk and not be happy about the remnants of the food. I told her to eat before he tried to gobble up everything but no...must go to the son first and then she can eat the balance. But if she is so hungry, she can just afford to eat the whatever balance there is? Like after two hours, she was pining for the fish and chips and I was like what? Didn't I buy already just now? Of course I looked unhappy coz that thing wasn't cheap and according to my budget calculator, one time of that thing in a day is enough.
Then, of course i would look unhappy and she said that why we couldn't afford it and started asking if I have settled my father's claims. I said I wanted to but I was not able to print out the form coz the website was being upgraded. I mean..please lah..she keeps thinking that I am stopping her from getting what she wants..and then would be saying we are so poor we cannot afford to eat anymore. Then what the heck is the food that I buy everyday? Fast food some more. Now they are hooked on Long John Silver's combo meal which is less than 5 dollars and much better priced than McDonald's but still...almost everyday too? Wouldn't that be the same darn thing? But still, I went ahead and get it and have to sacrifice my lunch and even breakfast money so that I can roll over that money to spend on daily groceries and more importantly, their food. I am not going to tell them what I have to go through everyday where even a packet of cashewnuts that cost 2 dollars is my replacement for lunch and also which I divide them into three days. And mid lunch I make myself a peanut butter wholemeal sandwich which is the same thing that I eat in the morning. So come lunch time, I don't really eat and if I do, it will either be fruits or soya bean milk coz it's cheaper and healthier.
The fact that I am also trying to lose weight somehow retains my sanity for not being able to eat the hawker centre nasi ayam or chicken rice and truth be told, I love fried chicken rice compared to the normal one. But for now, not that I cant afford it, but I am just afraid that I have to face two things when I eat that. Firstly, weight gain and secondly, short of cash for family's use. Im just so paranoid over these two things that sometimes I feel that it is overpowering for me. This one..all thanks to my mum whose main concern is that her son is fed..not necessarily with healthier food choice but simply fed.
I mean the fact that she is still gonna cook rice for him in the night eaten with egg and toufu, is still a necessity to get fast food? That..I dont get it. But then again, I am not a mother and if I am, Im putting him off fast food or just cut down. It will never be a hunger substitute while waiting for the rice to be cooked. It spells unhealthy all over. But being a mother again, of course she will defend herself and then blame him for eating a lot when he feels so sluggish he cant even sit down properly. What the...I don't understand her method of bringing up a child.
So yup..there are so many elements that make me so upset but she turn my emotions against me when I came back home that Friday, with another box of the fish and chips. Of course I would feel upset coz she didn't bother to grab her share of the chips and then she said that I was too controlling over the family's finances that I couldn't get her another box. Then she said okay fine..get me the mushroom burger coz it's 'cheaper'...but she didn't look too happy when she said that as if I was depriving her of what she really wanted to eat. But still, in order to please her, I still got that for her and guess what? She was showing her biggest attitude. She refused to eat! She said I was being stubborn and I went against her wishes of wanting to eat mushroom burger! Then the fact that I was angry with her..I didn't even invite her to eat. But I never officially invite her to eat...what I usually do is come back home, take out the food and then sit down there and attempted to eat two or three fries. What SHE normally does is to sit down on the sofa after coming up from sitting on the floor and then help herself to eat. Then she made this noise saying that whose food was that meant for? Me right? Why didn't you invite me to eat? Why did you pass to your brother?
But I always pass to my brother coz he wanted to eat the fries and I thought she was sleeping, so I said to him to leave some for her and don't gobble up everything. Still, she was not happy like what I said, she was the one who was not happy and she turned that against me. I was majorly pissed off when she refused to eat and threw the box down spilling some of the contents out. I freaked out because she never did that to food before and I would never do that either to food coz it would make God angry. Does she care? No..she only cares about her own selfish feelings. I picked up the pieces that fell out and threw them away and good thing, there was still some left in the box and I took it and put it in my bag. Fine if she didn't want to eat that and so I would have that for breakfast.
So that was how I began my binging in the morning right up till night but good thing it wasn't a damn serious binging. I just ate the food that I normally wouldn't eat like Old Chang Kee's battered prawns. Coz of that, I put on a superficial weight gain of 1.5kg when I weighed myself at the gym. Superficial means that if I started to eat normally like a hearty breakfast AND a hearty lunch, I would gain weight as a result of my body's reaction to my sudden increase of food intake. But that's where my trouble will also begin. If I keep up that pace for the next few days, it will no longer be a superficial weight gain. It will be a permanent one where I can struggle through to lose the weight for the next few weeks. So as much as I have planned to eat this or that like the chicken rice after attempting to eat very little the last few days, once this sudden need to eat more food comes in, out goes my chicken rice. Now you know after two months of being at the clinic for attachment, I still struggle to get that chicken rice coz I would feel guilty after I ate something that in my mentality, I shouldn't be eating coz it's not the time yet.
Yah, from the way that sounds..I am weird. So I ate a tad bit more when I am depressed but luckily, my months of training do set me back from trying to wallow up everything that I see worth my time to spend money on and then eat like I don't care. Now that my mum has started to talk to me like usual, I guess I am a little less depressed but just that I don't know when is her moodiness going to set in again. haiz.....for now, I'll concentrate on losing the weight. Darn it.. no chicken rice again for this week!
Then, of course i would look unhappy and she said that why we couldn't afford it and started asking if I have settled my father's claims. I said I wanted to but I was not able to print out the form coz the website was being upgraded. I mean..please lah..she keeps thinking that I am stopping her from getting what she wants..and then would be saying we are so poor we cannot afford to eat anymore. Then what the heck is the food that I buy everyday? Fast food some more. Now they are hooked on Long John Silver's combo meal which is less than 5 dollars and much better priced than McDonald's but still...almost everyday too? Wouldn't that be the same darn thing? But still, I went ahead and get it and have to sacrifice my lunch and even breakfast money so that I can roll over that money to spend on daily groceries and more importantly, their food. I am not going to tell them what I have to go through everyday where even a packet of cashewnuts that cost 2 dollars is my replacement for lunch and also which I divide them into three days. And mid lunch I make myself a peanut butter wholemeal sandwich which is the same thing that I eat in the morning. So come lunch time, I don't really eat and if I do, it will either be fruits or soya bean milk coz it's cheaper and healthier.
The fact that I am also trying to lose weight somehow retains my sanity for not being able to eat the hawker centre nasi ayam or chicken rice and truth be told, I love fried chicken rice compared to the normal one. But for now, not that I cant afford it, but I am just afraid that I have to face two things when I eat that. Firstly, weight gain and secondly, short of cash for family's use. Im just so paranoid over these two things that sometimes I feel that it is overpowering for me. This one..all thanks to my mum whose main concern is that her son is fed..not necessarily with healthier food choice but simply fed.
I mean the fact that she is still gonna cook rice for him in the night eaten with egg and toufu, is still a necessity to get fast food? That..I dont get it. But then again, I am not a mother and if I am, Im putting him off fast food or just cut down. It will never be a hunger substitute while waiting for the rice to be cooked. It spells unhealthy all over. But being a mother again, of course she will defend herself and then blame him for eating a lot when he feels so sluggish he cant even sit down properly. What the...I don't understand her method of bringing up a child.
So yup..there are so many elements that make me so upset but she turn my emotions against me when I came back home that Friday, with another box of the fish and chips. Of course I would feel upset coz she didn't bother to grab her share of the chips and then she said that I was too controlling over the family's finances that I couldn't get her another box. Then she said okay fine..get me the mushroom burger coz it's 'cheaper'...but she didn't look too happy when she said that as if I was depriving her of what she really wanted to eat. But still, in order to please her, I still got that for her and guess what? She was showing her biggest attitude. She refused to eat! She said I was being stubborn and I went against her wishes of wanting to eat mushroom burger! Then the fact that I was angry with her..I didn't even invite her to eat. But I never officially invite her to eat...what I usually do is come back home, take out the food and then sit down there and attempted to eat two or three fries. What SHE normally does is to sit down on the sofa after coming up from sitting on the floor and then help herself to eat. Then she made this noise saying that whose food was that meant for? Me right? Why didn't you invite me to eat? Why did you pass to your brother?
But I always pass to my brother coz he wanted to eat the fries and I thought she was sleeping, so I said to him to leave some for her and don't gobble up everything. Still, she was not happy like what I said, she was the one who was not happy and she turned that against me. I was majorly pissed off when she refused to eat and threw the box down spilling some of the contents out. I freaked out because she never did that to food before and I would never do that either to food coz it would make God angry. Does she care? No..she only cares about her own selfish feelings. I picked up the pieces that fell out and threw them away and good thing, there was still some left in the box and I took it and put it in my bag. Fine if she didn't want to eat that and so I would have that for breakfast.
So that was how I began my binging in the morning right up till night but good thing it wasn't a damn serious binging. I just ate the food that I normally wouldn't eat like Old Chang Kee's battered prawns. Coz of that, I put on a superficial weight gain of 1.5kg when I weighed myself at the gym. Superficial means that if I started to eat normally like a hearty breakfast AND a hearty lunch, I would gain weight as a result of my body's reaction to my sudden increase of food intake. But that's where my trouble will also begin. If I keep up that pace for the next few days, it will no longer be a superficial weight gain. It will be a permanent one where I can struggle through to lose the weight for the next few weeks. So as much as I have planned to eat this or that like the chicken rice after attempting to eat very little the last few days, once this sudden need to eat more food comes in, out goes my chicken rice. Now you know after two months of being at the clinic for attachment, I still struggle to get that chicken rice coz I would feel guilty after I ate something that in my mentality, I shouldn't be eating coz it's not the time yet.
Yah, from the way that sounds..I am weird. So I ate a tad bit more when I am depressed but luckily, my months of training do set me back from trying to wallow up everything that I see worth my time to spend money on and then eat like I don't care. Now that my mum has started to talk to me like usual, I guess I am a little less depressed but just that I don't know when is her moodiness going to set in again. haiz.....for now, I'll concentrate on losing the weight. Darn it.. no chicken rice again for this week!
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