It's hard being plus sized. And it's harder when people judge you and make generalisations that to them may be harmless, or maybe to them they're just speaking the truth. Things like being plus sized means being lazy, unattractive and so on and while earlier I said they think that these are harmless statements but honestly, it can be hurting and makes us feel as though we're not worth it unless we are of certain size or beauty standards.
When I watched the video above, I felt for that girl and couldn't imagine the anguish she was going through with the kind of guys she had to date in secret because of her size. And how shops turned her away because they don't carry her sizes. Even in foreign label shops, finding plus sized clothes that fit her well would be like treasure hunting.
To be in a country where physical appearance is everything, and an advantage to have even for work, because a majority of them thinks that it is normal to be attractive that those that do not match up that standards, are willing to go under the knife, just to make a better impression. And having been exposed to the media where most of the actors and singers are idolised because of their physical appearance and talent.
For me personally, I also can't help but think about whether my overall physical appearance that is not of a typical beauty standard in Singapore, is hampering my ability to attract guys even for a casual friendship. I also cannot help but think at times, if it's because I don't look like most girls in the gym with their on point sports attire, he's not talking to me despite months of bumping into each other almost every Sunday. The only point of consolation is that he may be married because he doesn't talk to other girls as well but with other guys. And these guys are also not the buffed up types like him but average guys who are just talking casually with him.
Hey if he doesn't judge them, probably he doesn't judge me either :DDD but why isn't he still not talking to me? Haha..I can imagine if one day, if he were to say hi to me, I would smile or grin like crazy for daysssssss.
If it weren't for my outlook towards relationship, aka not looking for one, this can be rather depressing. I can start to think about how something is wrong with me. And it can be rather depressing when people assume plus sized girls are of this size because we are careless of our diet and our health in general. The truth is, there are many of plus sized girls who do take care of themselves. While I am not on a heavier side, I still consider myself as plus sized as I am bigger than an average female build though in the past, at my heaviest, I was clearly at my lowest point. Back then, it was even harder to accept because I worked with others around my age and they were far skinnier than me or even if they were not, they still were smaller than me. Also, when you are in your twenties, that would be when you start to work and mingle with a lot of people and you would reach a stage where you you felt that something was wrong with you if you didn't look a certain way.
Because of that, I went on a crazy diet and I looked skinny af but the truth was, I wasn't healthy. Food made me nauseous and I just didn't feel like eating at all most times. I exercised quite a lot and I was willing to travel all the way back to office from my work attachment just to work out.
While I am no longer on a crazy diet, I am still pretty careful with my food choices though it wouldn't overwhelm me to an extent that I would eat very little like previously. I still work out three times a week at least and try my best not to miss out a workout and even work around my meet ups either after that or the day before or after my work out day. It's become a part of my life to an extent, even if I have work activities that day, let's say some team planning or learning journey, and would rather head home to rest, I head to my fitness location wherever it would be.
But the thing is, have I experienced extreme weight loss from my careful food choices or through my regular work out? The truth is, no. In fact, I experience fluctuating weight that can be rather frustrating because I can lose, say 1 kg, and then regain back the week after. And it's not as though I went on a food binge or miss out the workout for that week, haha.
Yet I would tell myself that I still would continue to work out and eat right as much as possible even if it doesn't seem to make a significant difference to how I look physically. It's still a bitter pill to swallow because I'm still a girl who can't help but think if there's something wrong with me appearance wise.
For example, wanting to look like a majority of the girls who go for these fitness classes and being able to have those legs that can fit the leggings or tight exercise pants without looking chunky. I won't deny that I hate my thighs but even at my lowest weight back then when I was quite obsessed, they were not small. I also sometimes wish I have a smaller stomach and smaller lower abs so I don't make the rolls so obvious, haha.
Despite that feeling, I tell myself that I am here because I want to be responsible for my health. I go through these killer moves because I enjoy them though they're super tiring. It makes me feel good after this. I liked how my friend puts it; it doesn't matter what work out, the point is, I keep moving and being consistent.
I also feel that I am being judged, though no one has said it explicitly to me, that while I work out, why do I still look like there is no difference. But it doesn't matter because it's non of their concern. I am doing this for me.
So that's the hard truth of being plus sized. While we can generally accept ourselves and love ourselves, no matter what size we are in, there is still some feelings of insecurities. But the point is, we have to remember that at the end of the day, we want to be healthier and look good for ourselves and not to please others.
They are plenty of guys that will love you for who you are. I've personally seen these guys in real life being in a relationship with girls who are of plus sized. They're not jerks like the guys the girl in the video described them as. So there is still hope for her and I am glad she is making waves in the modelling world and wishes her success :)
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