Everytime I need to use money, my heart aches. I don't have much to begin with and sometimes I can get so scared to spend that I won't dare make purchases for myself even though it may not be costly coz I will think of its repercussion later and how I may end up not having enough for the family. I do understand that I have to think about myself too that Im living not just for them. And what's the point of working if you dont get to spend your hard earned money on yourself too, right? That may be me talking in the past when I started working in the earlier years but now..it doesnt seem applicable to me anymore. I do feel deprived at times but most of the time, somehow my mind has become so nullified that I dont find myself contemplating on whether I should get it or not as the answer is so clear..which is no..I may need to use the money for my family expenses later.
It is almost like having no life at all...seriously. The only thing that dont bug me is when I buy food for lunch because I dont expect myself to starve throughout the day right? But of course, I need to be careful on how much to spend on and if possible, have some leftover either for tomorrow's lunch or to add on to the grocery shopping later at the end of the day. I guess because of how I am leading my life right now that makes me cringe if I think of the possibility of me having my own family. Then what if I get a useless bum for a husband or something happened which will affect the main source of income and how are we going to feed our children? For now, it will be in the line of 'no thank you' or 'so not gonna happen in a million years' no matter how much they lure single people like me to go get married asap to enjoy the lucrative baby bonuses. If die die....I am forced to get married, I will have strict conditions laid down perfectly well and one of my top conditions? NO children. That's why I have no qualms in answering to people's questions in regarding to which age that I am ready to settle down and if I have to spit it out, probably late thirties. I guess it will be a good range of age to give the excuse that my bio clock has stopped ticking and is officially dead so I cant have children.
DOn't get me wrong. I have nothing against young married couples who can achieve a successful career and have a family of their own which they have no problem coping with the expenses. I can easily say if they can do it, why cant i and how about families with more than one children like three or four of them? They can still hang on and surviving still. Whatever it is, if I have the chance to rectify things or plan my own future, to have my own family is not in my agenda. For now at least. Or until things in Singapore are getting cheaper like transport fares and housing. If not..forget it.
I remembered going through a 'jason mraz' phase last year so uhm..hence the blogskin..hee..I usually go through phases like this and they are actually a reflection of the feelings I am going through. But that jason mraz phase was different. It was not a true reflection at all. Heck, his songs are the type I'll easily say 'PASS!' to and not be caught dead listening to. Infact, I felt like I was hiding my own true feelings and telling myself that things will get better and I just have to carry on with my life with a big goofy grin on my face to hide my unsettled feelings inside. I just wanted to feel better and I had to remind myself of that every single day. I guess thats why I didnt tire of his songs and found them addictive like I MUST hear his songs every single freaking day.
But for how long can one hide behind a facade or be pretentious about it? After a long long while, I felt rather disorientated like I have been on a run for the longest time. Now I am naturally digressing back to my comfort music and no they dont promise an endless strip of rainbow in the sky or running in an open field of beautiful flowers with the air scented with fresh summer breeze. I feel more at ease listening to songs that say we are a bunch of delusional people caught in undesirable situations such as war. War in this case can be war of any kind...that we are experiencing in life which can be one heck of a problematic kind and how we may struggle to control it. But while it is easy to think that our life is so freakin lonely and depressing, we are not alone and that we all carry the same wish that one day, we are able to find, reach out and not let go of that one bright spark in life that carry all our hopes and desires.
And you think rock music is just a waste of time. It's just a misunderstanding like how we think that hip hop is by the street punks who waste their time over drugs and gunning down one another. If you listen to the songs of the good rock bands, they do carry strong messages amidst the strong guitar riffs and wild drummings. But the better they are, they dont have to always resort to wicked music play to attract attention. Even if they tune down a little, people are still willing to listen and be in touch with the message behind the lyrics and they can be stronger than the music they play.
Uhm...by the way emo rock...pffftttt...whats up with that monicker? I am not condemning the bands who are classified under 'emo rock' but whats up with the fans and their attires of bold stripes, kohl-lined eyes...and uhm...the long fringes of them that may be a cover up of their ugly faces rather than a proclamation of their rock fan status. So freakin OTT and it is catching on like a virus among the Singapore teens. Like come on lah, even the band people themselves dont dress up like that all the time and they can just play in a shirt and jeans ensemble or go shirtless unless they are at some official awards show or something that they will be a bit dressed up.
I mean..outfit is one thing..the attitude is another one that I cannot stand also and it's not just fans of this so called emo rock but across board too. Please lah, to be rebellious doesn't mean you do whatever shit you want anywhere you please irregardless of what people say....like being freakingly immoral with no feelings whatsoever towards other people who can get hurt in the process. True rock music dont teach you that. They just tell you not to conform to everything because it doesnt mean everything that you see, hear or being taught about are right but can be just a bunch of fallacies to cover up for something bigger like one huge conspiracy. Violence is definitely not the answer either and uncalled for in true rock music. If it ever propogates violence, then thats metal music or black metal music and not rock or emo rock lah you dweebs where gore, cult, devil worshipping and all the misdeeds are honourable mentions in their songs.
Tsk..get your facts right. Meanwhile, I shall entertain myself with more MUSE music..heheee...
It is almost like having no life at all...seriously. The only thing that dont bug me is when I buy food for lunch because I dont expect myself to starve throughout the day right? But of course, I need to be careful on how much to spend on and if possible, have some leftover either for tomorrow's lunch or to add on to the grocery shopping later at the end of the day. I guess because of how I am leading my life right now that makes me cringe if I think of the possibility of me having my own family. Then what if I get a useless bum for a husband or something happened which will affect the main source of income and how are we going to feed our children? For now, it will be in the line of 'no thank you' or 'so not gonna happen in a million years' no matter how much they lure single people like me to go get married asap to enjoy the lucrative baby bonuses. If die die....I am forced to get married, I will have strict conditions laid down perfectly well and one of my top conditions? NO children. That's why I have no qualms in answering to people's questions in regarding to which age that I am ready to settle down and if I have to spit it out, probably late thirties. I guess it will be a good range of age to give the excuse that my bio clock has stopped ticking and is officially dead so I cant have children.
DOn't get me wrong. I have nothing against young married couples who can achieve a successful career and have a family of their own which they have no problem coping with the expenses. I can easily say if they can do it, why cant i and how about families with more than one children like three or four of them? They can still hang on and surviving still. Whatever it is, if I have the chance to rectify things or plan my own future, to have my own family is not in my agenda. For now at least. Or until things in Singapore are getting cheaper like transport fares and housing. If not..forget it.
I remembered going through a 'jason mraz' phase last year so uhm..hence the blogskin..hee..I usually go through phases like this and they are actually a reflection of the feelings I am going through. But that jason mraz phase was different. It was not a true reflection at all. Heck, his songs are the type I'll easily say 'PASS!' to and not be caught dead listening to. Infact, I felt like I was hiding my own true feelings and telling myself that things will get better and I just have to carry on with my life with a big goofy grin on my face to hide my unsettled feelings inside. I just wanted to feel better and I had to remind myself of that every single day. I guess thats why I didnt tire of his songs and found them addictive like I MUST hear his songs every single freaking day.
But for how long can one hide behind a facade or be pretentious about it? After a long long while, I felt rather disorientated like I have been on a run for the longest time. Now I am naturally digressing back to my comfort music and no they dont promise an endless strip of rainbow in the sky or running in an open field of beautiful flowers with the air scented with fresh summer breeze. I feel more at ease listening to songs that say we are a bunch of delusional people caught in undesirable situations such as war. War in this case can be war of any kind...that we are experiencing in life which can be one heck of a problematic kind and how we may struggle to control it. But while it is easy to think that our life is so freakin lonely and depressing, we are not alone and that we all carry the same wish that one day, we are able to find, reach out and not let go of that one bright spark in life that carry all our hopes and desires.
And you think rock music is just a waste of time. It's just a misunderstanding like how we think that hip hop is by the street punks who waste their time over drugs and gunning down one another. If you listen to the songs of the good rock bands, they do carry strong messages amidst the strong guitar riffs and wild drummings. But the better they are, they dont have to always resort to wicked music play to attract attention. Even if they tune down a little, people are still willing to listen and be in touch with the message behind the lyrics and they can be stronger than the music they play.
Uhm...by the way emo rock...pffftttt...whats up with that monicker? I am not condemning the bands who are classified under 'emo rock' but whats up with the fans and their attires of bold stripes, kohl-lined eyes...and uhm...the long fringes of them that may be a cover up of their ugly faces rather than a proclamation of their rock fan status. So freakin OTT and it is catching on like a virus among the Singapore teens. Like come on lah, even the band people themselves dont dress up like that all the time and they can just play in a shirt and jeans ensemble or go shirtless unless they are at some official awards show or something that they will be a bit dressed up.
I mean..outfit is one thing..the attitude is another one that I cannot stand also and it's not just fans of this so called emo rock but across board too. Please lah, to be rebellious doesn't mean you do whatever shit you want anywhere you please irregardless of what people say....like being freakingly immoral with no feelings whatsoever towards other people who can get hurt in the process. True rock music dont teach you that. They just tell you not to conform to everything because it doesnt mean everything that you see, hear or being taught about are right but can be just a bunch of fallacies to cover up for something bigger like one huge conspiracy. Violence is definitely not the answer either and uncalled for in true rock music. If it ever propogates violence, then thats metal music or black metal music and not rock or emo rock lah you dweebs where gore, cult, devil worshipping and all the misdeeds are honourable mentions in their songs.
Tsk..get your facts right. Meanwhile, I shall entertain myself with more MUSE music..heheee...
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