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| The view from the top in a cable car |
Actually, I never really thought of writing on this topic because so far, I am doing pretty well in mental health or at least coping. But recently, I listened and read about other people's mental health issues and how common and serious they have become. As more people log on to social media, seeing other people leading their lives and being cyber bullied by strangers, many things start to play on our minds and all the negative talk can start. We start to disbelief in ourselves.
Everyday is a challenge and there are days when it can be harder to get through. It takes willpower to be strong facing these challenges especially when there are little to no changes or the news just could not have gotten any worse. I have experienced dark periods in my life before and it's not easy to just simply get over it. Feelings of being a failure and then coupled with the lack of moral support or keeping the problems to myself until it blew up and my family members got to know about it. My friend and my brother helped me through it but my mum wasn't quite supportive. She was very angry and disappointed. When I was in school and I struggled so much until I had to repeat that year, my parents were angry and my dad stopped talking to me for three months.
Everyday was a living hell where I was also disappointed with myself for getting into such a mess and it was always a crying episode for me and it was not as if I could stop the tears from falling. I could not just snap out of it as much as I tried. Back then there was no youtube or instagram. It was just seeing other people who did better and there was me, with a handful of other people that did not. I felt worthless.
Even though I have not gone through such dark periods anymore after that, I did experience bouts of mild depression, mainly me feeling like a failure, not being able to perform my role as a sister and daughter. It might look as if I got things under control, the truth was, I had to resort to doing things that I soon find myself getting into trouble with, mainly financially. So my family didn't get to know about it until of course, they got the letters about my financial woes.
Recently, I came to read an IG story about this YouTuber that I followed online and how recently, she attempted suicide for the 3rd time. Suicide is one of the greatest sin in Islam as it means we are giving up on this life bestowed by God. Being a Muslim youth, I believe she would have known too but I am not here to judge her as a fellow Muslim.
But rather, to symphatize with her that due to an accumulation of personal events, including being separated from her international husband due to visa issues, led her to this downfall. If not for her sister, she may or may not have survived this suicide. It could also be God saying that her time is not up yet and perhaps in the horizon, pleasant things will come into her life in time to come.
This is a far cry from the personality she showed in her videos, all positive and bubbly with the love for K-pop. So we can't always think people are alright just by looking at their outward personality. So we need to be more kind to people and have more empathy because we don't know what personal demons they are battling with.
The healing process takes time and it will be a slow rise from the bottom, but when things weren't quite looking up yet and the people you love are miles away from you, every step we take forward, we can lapse and move backwards. But every time we are able to be in the present and take every successful move forward, it is a success and hopefully, to a better you.
The healing process may be slow but we want to win this race, not just for our sake, but for our loved ones and ultimately, for God.
Sometimes, I feel like I don't know what to do with my time and then I get a bit upset with myself when I look at others, seeing their online postings and I feel so way off compared to them. I also feel down because I try to be productive but it kinda backfired because I don't feel like doing it as much as I try to do them. After that I will think about what is wrong with me and I just want to collapse in bed and just scroll through social media. Then feel guilty.
But I resolve to get better and work towards doing things for my own good and for my self care. I need to push away the thoughts of me not being able to do anything and feeling worthless. I also need to stop making comparisons with other people. Everyone progresses in their own time and have different abilities. So if one person needs time to feel better after bouts of depression, we can give them our support because it is not an easy process to get over depression, even with medication.
Make our life our priority by scheduling our me time and create good habits. Find ways to be committed to doing things that make you happy. Instead of worrying about health, we can start slow by incorporating fitness in our schedules and by following workout schedules that takes the guesswork out on what exercises to do. Eating right as much as we can by choosing healthier options. If we worry about lack of finance, we can find ways to make side income, make conscious spending and save a portion of our salary. Schedule time with our friends to meet up and catch up. If they are overseas, find the time to be online and chat to ease the pain of longing.
I like to journal and recently I have been committed to doing it often so as it gives me clarity. You can also find things that you love, even if just watching anime and your favourite groups performing on youtube, it helps to push you towards hopefully leading a more fulfilling life, rather than just focus on the things that make us sad or depressed. It may or may not change the current situation but it's just how we approach the challenges that we face.
Celebrate the wins in life. Break away from things that make us upset and instead of just thinking about what if we do this, why not we take the first steps and see how things progress from here. Focus on your improvements as we continue to hope for the best and cope with our personal struggles better. It may not be a 360 degrees turn of event but we have to think that life is imperfect and that's the beauty of it. It's ok to cry, to not be okay, that not every day is going to be great but hey, we got this :)
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