Hey...
what a week it has been. I can tell you straight up that it SUCKED right from the beginning landing me into tight spots plus depression plus sleepless nights. I was this close to calling it the 'rahayu is so screwed up' week until friday came along and I felt a bit better..almost like being me. Yah, I almost forgot how it was like....being me....the carefree me who has not been bogged down with too many 'adult' problems. But then again, at any point of time, we go through all kinds of problems whether you are straight or queer, single married or divorced, a guy or a girl...or both..so you say that you cant escape from being screwed up. For me, I was so emotionally unstable and came to a point where I just didn't know what to say or do that will make me better except to hope that one day, I get a hold of myself. Right now, I am pretty much still in my own lost world but I know I cant do this to myself because it will only drag me down further. God knows what else I may fail to do or lose just because I cant get my act together and choose to take the easy way out which is to be in my very own little lost world.
Do you want to know what I have concluded from all this 'drama' that is playing in my life but of which only I know what is it all about? I think that whatever I have planned to do for a chance to improve my life....all of them simply backfired and they just had to come one after another in the beginning of this week. How I can still manage to carry on with life is a bit puzzling myself. I just don't know what God has planned for me. I know that I seem to speak in rambles now since I don't wish to list down the details. No matter what, I still believe that this is not the end for me. Who knows...the end is just the beginning. Maybe it's just a wake up call or maybe.....Im just being delusional as always and not being able to face up to the fact that this is....reality. Welcome back to earth, Rahayu.
Let's hope that this week, my life will be a tad bit better and I hope to not be thrown in anymore of the 'drama' like the beginning of this week. There has not been any changes and Im still feeling rather 'so so' such as being neither here nor there. I always find myself just trying to let the time past me by in the day while I indulge myself in this lost world of mine in the middle of the night that stretches until the wee hours. But dont you worry about me now. Im used to all these emotional traps. I just try to dust myself off and move on even if I may choose to sit down a little longer after I fall because Im just a little afraid to take the next step in case it will lead to fatality. Oh well...I cant sit down forever too right?
Anyway, God has been rather fair to me too that He decided that I may had enough and gave me the opportunity to be with my friends last friday. He may have also made me realise that people do care about me but I have been blind towards their concern because I tried to stay firm in my stubborn beliefs. Even if some of the issues that I face have nothing to do with them, mentally I still feel challenged. For example, I have been sick for the past one two weeks and I refused to go to the doctor just because I dont want to spend my money on them and I also felt that I can still go about doing my job. In the end, it took a different kind of illness which started to get worser by the day and night and for once, I was afraid to let it linger any longer. Even though money was so precious to me, I didn't want to compromise my health for it. Then if you have read my previous entry, you know how I still went for a gym workout even though I was in pain and how it got much worse after that until I could neither sit nor stand properly. For this week, I lost the opportunity coz my sleep deprived brain had the guts to make me accidentally leave my gym bag in the school during a field visit. That was just one example and it's too much of a recollection now so I'll stick to keeping the rest of the issues to myself.
Okay, so there was a cruel twist of fate that was trying to teach me a lesson but in not-so-nice ways. But there is always room for improvement. The main thing is that I still must have a say in it and not follow others blindly turning myself into a completely different person. But my last attempt a fews days ago to sleep early didnt do me good either coz I woke up twice with severe cramps like a wave of tsunami in my feet one after another. Still I wont give up. I dont want to pretend that it is a 'bright and dandy' for me but in actual fact, Im forcing my half awake organs in my body to push themselves harder than before. So hard....that the stress of it all apparently led me looking like a cooked red lobster with big patches of itchy warts. Oh, and to be absent minded too since Im functioning with just half a brain. Miraculously, they are gone now because I chose to take control of it early. But in the morning they do make a bit of an appearance for an hour or so since I still continue to sleep very the damn late. More or less, my body is on standby for a full on strike should I chose to continue with my nocturnal sedate lifestyle.
what a week it has been. I can tell you straight up that it SUCKED right from the beginning landing me into tight spots plus depression plus sleepless nights. I was this close to calling it the 'rahayu is so screwed up' week until friday came along and I felt a bit better..almost like being me. Yah, I almost forgot how it was like....being me....the carefree me who has not been bogged down with too many 'adult' problems. But then again, at any point of time, we go through all kinds of problems whether you are straight or queer, single married or divorced, a guy or a girl...or both..so you say that you cant escape from being screwed up. For me, I was so emotionally unstable and came to a point where I just didn't know what to say or do that will make me better except to hope that one day, I get a hold of myself. Right now, I am pretty much still in my own lost world but I know I cant do this to myself because it will only drag me down further. God knows what else I may fail to do or lose just because I cant get my act together and choose to take the easy way out which is to be in my very own little lost world.
Do you want to know what I have concluded from all this 'drama' that is playing in my life but of which only I know what is it all about? I think that whatever I have planned to do for a chance to improve my life....all of them simply backfired and they just had to come one after another in the beginning of this week. How I can still manage to carry on with life is a bit puzzling myself. I just don't know what God has planned for me. I know that I seem to speak in rambles now since I don't wish to list down the details. No matter what, I still believe that this is not the end for me. Who knows...the end is just the beginning. Maybe it's just a wake up call or maybe.....Im just being delusional as always and not being able to face up to the fact that this is....reality. Welcome back to earth, Rahayu.
Let's hope that this week, my life will be a tad bit better and I hope to not be thrown in anymore of the 'drama' like the beginning of this week. There has not been any changes and Im still feeling rather 'so so' such as being neither here nor there. I always find myself just trying to let the time past me by in the day while I indulge myself in this lost world of mine in the middle of the night that stretches until the wee hours. But dont you worry about me now. Im used to all these emotional traps. I just try to dust myself off and move on even if I may choose to sit down a little longer after I fall because Im just a little afraid to take the next step in case it will lead to fatality. Oh well...I cant sit down forever too right?
Anyway, God has been rather fair to me too that He decided that I may had enough and gave me the opportunity to be with my friends last friday. He may have also made me realise that people do care about me but I have been blind towards their concern because I tried to stay firm in my stubborn beliefs. Even if some of the issues that I face have nothing to do with them, mentally I still feel challenged. For example, I have been sick for the past one two weeks and I refused to go to the doctor just because I dont want to spend my money on them and I also felt that I can still go about doing my job. In the end, it took a different kind of illness which started to get worser by the day and night and for once, I was afraid to let it linger any longer. Even though money was so precious to me, I didn't want to compromise my health for it. Then if you have read my previous entry, you know how I still went for a gym workout even though I was in pain and how it got much worse after that until I could neither sit nor stand properly. For this week, I lost the opportunity coz my sleep deprived brain had the guts to make me accidentally leave my gym bag in the school during a field visit. That was just one example and it's too much of a recollection now so I'll stick to keeping the rest of the issues to myself.
Okay, so there was a cruel twist of fate that was trying to teach me a lesson but in not-so-nice ways. But there is always room for improvement. The main thing is that I still must have a say in it and not follow others blindly turning myself into a completely different person. But my last attempt a fews days ago to sleep early didnt do me good either coz I woke up twice with severe cramps like a wave of tsunami in my feet one after another. Still I wont give up. I dont want to pretend that it is a 'bright and dandy' for me but in actual fact, Im forcing my half awake organs in my body to push themselves harder than before. So hard....that the stress of it all apparently led me looking like a cooked red lobster with big patches of itchy warts. Oh, and to be absent minded too since Im functioning with just half a brain. Miraculously, they are gone now because I chose to take control of it early. But in the morning they do make a bit of an appearance for an hour or so since I still continue to sleep very the damn late. More or less, my body is on standby for a full on strike should I chose to continue with my nocturnal sedate lifestyle.
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