We all have our insecurities and yesh, I have retold time and time again, this thang..it grabs hold of us (gawd i'm being all 'brokeback' about this)..and then guess what? You're somehow delusional as to whether you're being all 'perfect' to people or you're just thinking u're not good enough. FOr me, I just feel that I ain't good enough. At least when it comes to guys. I just have this mentality that you have to be 'something'..in order to impress the opposite sex. I mean, I don't perceive myself as someone worth being loved...as what is attached to me is a boring and flat personality and that home, is where my heart lies. Im just not the 'beyond the doorstep of my home' type...straight into the envitable more fun stuffs like say..being part of the clubbing scene or whatever stuffs there are.
Yesterday, my friend and I decided to check out this small porch outside Plaza Singapura where 98.7fm deejays were carrying a Singtel mobile road show. Actually I was more interested in wanting to get up close..but not necessarily personal (though that will be quite an option)..to Shan Wee, one of the deejays. Okay, I was dead nervous when I realised the close proximity that I had with Shan coz it was such a close contact kind of interaction session between the deejays and the audience..which by the way, was just a smattering of 'em. My friend..I guess she was driven nuts by my antics as to whether to go up close to Shan or not..and when he presented to the audience a question and I knew the answer to it, she kinda pulled me towards the centerstage. I just didn't want to make a fool of myself lah..hehe..although the answer seemed damn obvious enough it was 'moblog'. Okay, first impression when I saw him, I couldn't tell the difference between Shan who is freakin' tall and skinny and wearing a black shirt, and the tall black vertical panel beside him. It's like..gawd..he's so blendable with the panel! What's up with guys who are skinny..eat something for goodness sake!
So it was also a bonus when they were also having a mini competition between 5 finalists of the deejay contest where deejays showed their skills with the turntables. Great beat...and it just got better with the last competitor. Aahh..for once, I didn't waste my weekend Saturday. But uhm...it kinda was a bit the funnie standing amongst the younger people..probably in their late teens or early twenties. Eh..like as im So much older than them..haha...but whatever. They look too young for my taste anyway. Even Shan Wee is one year younger than me..whats UP?!
They had this mini competition among the audience (thank GOODNESS i strayed away from the center platform) where each of the four people pulled out had to do a small dance routine based on a famous club song. The first one was great..very impressive..very..er...dancey. The second guy danced like uhm...a demented chicken. The third and fourth contestants were women and yeah..it was so typically 'beyonce' or 'pussycat dollsy'...with the butt and hip swang thing. Yawnz....
But turned out, the last contestant who was a babe..in the opinion of ANY average hot blooded man...won. Me and my friend thought like hey..just because the audience were mostly the male species and obviously had the hots for her, and she won the dance off thing. The first one was clearly the winner leh..what the hell. And so one of the guys got to dance with her for a short routine but he was being such a dork trying to impress her with his crazy dance steps. I could imagine that if this was taken place at some club and not infront of some audience, she would have snubbed him straight away. I would anyway..
Okay..so we had our little conversations here and there and how she was telling me Terri Hatcher who wrote a book about her insecurities. I was like..Terri Hatcher..tat infamous Desperate Housewives star..insecured? Then, what am i..delusional?! But heck, when you're insecured, you don't have to be one fat ugly duckling..or duck..if you go by my age. When we went on with the topic on guys..I was telling her how I felt that sometimes, whenever it was rather clear that some guy somehow noticed me..I would turn away especially if hes cute or handsome...coz I don't deserve his attention.
But sometimes, in life, you have to be a bit more relaxed like you can't put too much hope in something. Or in my case, to think that Im just not good enough. Like hey...it's not like I am sitting down cross legged doing nothing but watch the world go by. Im just scared that guys may be disappointed to know that the girl they just got to know spends most of her time working and then acting on her responsibilities towards her family. If I am by myself, I will do stuffs usually within the confinement of my room like watching movie on my pc..writing stuffs...playing the Sims..surfing the net while listening to the music..as if my world revolves around my computer. Hey, I can't help being a geeK and if you don't like it, can vamoosh.
I try to make my life a bit more interesting each day but I always end up doing stuffs Im used to doing everyday. that involves sitting infront of my pc for hours on end. Haiz..like I said, life is way too short and instead of feeling sorry for myself for doing mundane things like they're part of the necessities in my life...I should do other things or else stop thinking Im jz not good enough. In this case, looks like it's back to the drawing board..meaning, to plan my day and not have things planned in my head and not written in black and white. If not, I will just succumb to the usual stuffs which I auto just go to straight away.
Don't get me wrong. Im not trying to create impressions on the opposite sex. Just like what I have mentioned before about me wanting to lose weight was never intended to make myself look more attractive for them but it's just a personal thing. I just want to make sure that my life is lead towards a more meaningful one..the ONE that will not put me down and make me think Im just not good enough for anybody. Sometimes I don't care what people may think about me..but I'd be lying if I say I don't feel guilty about sitting down on my butt for hours with my eyes fixated on the pc.
Okay, starting for tomorrow, I will do things that are veered towards nirvana..heh..who am I kidding. I mean, at least when I go to bed at the end of the day and in the early night, I don't go..man..I just wasted my time. Haiz..better blow some dust away from my planner and plan my day for tomorrow. Ah yesh..just as I was about to end this entry, I just received a good sign of hope: Jason Mraz Geek in the Pink playing on the airwave. Yup, we have this psychic connection thing goin on..impressive eh?
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